Do You Pray?

 

Do you pray?

 

Do you diligently pray through things?  I hear it said that ‘praying through’ is persevering in prayer even when you feel like no one is hearing you.

 

Have you taken the scripture of “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” {Philippians 4:6} to heart?

 

Do you pray with the heart of a child?  This one is hard; children can come before the Lord presenting their requests with nothing more than childlike faith.  They don’t carry doubts or what ifs to their requests.  They don’t try to evaluate it; they just present it.

 

Millie often prayed during her cancer treatments.  Her heart was so big towards those she loved.  She prayed for healing of her friend Ben –he is healed!  She prayed Jesus would take away Ady’s cancer—He did! 

 

God answered each of the prayers she prayed for. 

 

Two years ago, our family was praying through some big stuff. Covid had just appeared and started shutting the world down.  We were coming to realize that it might not be a short-lived virus. We were praying for wisdom as we battled how to keep germs away from our girl.  We were daily asking God to heal Millie of cancer.  We were constantly reminded that her cancer wasn’t following the rules of treatment.  That each thing we presented in the battle was not successful.  We were looking at the other damage being done in her body by the chemotherapy.  Our prayers really were life and death prayers.  During that time, it was easy as parents to become overwhelmed with the what ifs of our prayer requests {still is honestly!}.  We knew God could heal her, but it might not be the way we desired. For reasons known only to Jesus, he chose a heavenly healing for Millie and our hearts broke.

 

Sometimes my heart asks that question of WHY?  You know the one that goes, “Why couldn’t she be healed here on earth?”  “Why couldn’t we keep her and raise her to love you Lord?”  “Why…why…why?”

 

I am reminded that the answer is not always face value.  I don’t always see any reasonable why with my earthly view.  If I can step forward into a heavenly perspective, if I can take my broken heart out of the answer, I can see a bigger picture.  God did heal Millie. 

 

Her prayers that her cancer would be gone were answered, so were mine.

 

God has allowed her to never hurt again.  He has her in a perfect place, with him.  Not only will she never feel physical pain again, but she won’t feel fear, emotional distress, or any of the other trappings of this world.  She is now living with her namesake of JOY.  She has joy, not sorrow--forever. 

 

Because HE lives and she lives with him, I can face my tomorrows {and my today!} 

 

 

~Because of Millie 

 

Blessings sweet friends…

      ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
      ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #MoreThen4 #Childloss #Forever3 #WithJesus #WhileWeAreWaiting #AGrievingMama #LifeAfterLoss #siblinggrief

Take the Broken Pieces Lord

 Grief

Pain, physical chest pain

Tears

A groaning of the spirit

There are days I carry a burden. Days that I can’t push away the grief for my girl or the fear for my other living children.

Days where my car drives itself to that lonely spot, deep within the southwest corner of the cemetery where her tiny body lays just hidden from my grasp.

I go and I tell myself that I will check on her. Who am I kidding? What is there to check?

She is still dead…

I dust her headstone off, picking up the pieces of a broken butterfly plaque that lay crumbled in the grass.

I talk to her even though her earthly ears no longer hear. I hope she knows how much I wanted to keep her. How my heart longs to hold her little body, to be whole again.

I tell Jesus my heartache. I remind him that this makes no sense here, yet I trust him as I walk through this.

I do! I trust that he will take these broken pieces of my life and use them for good.

I pray over my other children. Through my tears I share my fear that I will lose them.

Physically we are each lost at some point, I know that. But spiritually, my children are at the age that if they don’t make a choice to live for Jesus, they are making a CHOICE to NOT live for him.

That thought terrifies me!

This parenting thing is so hard, so deep, so broken. You spend at least 18 years pouring in everything you know how, then you have to take your hands off and trust that they got something from you.

And if they didn’t? You trust that somewhere Jesus can fill in what you didn’t.

You are reminded that you can’t fix it, you cannot save them. Only He can.

And it drives you to your knees—again!

When you don’t know what to pray and can only sob and groan, the Holy Spirit intercedes for you, interpreting your heartache.

I can’t tell you how many times I have felt so lost in this job that only guttural moaning comes out. I lift them up by name and yet I still don’t know what to ask.

Lord, save them!

Convict them.

Repair our relationships.

Draw them.

Protect each one.

Then I must dry my tears, walk back into the motherhood job, and remember that ultimately my job is to love, teach, model, hope, and then trust.

𝖶𝖾 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖾 𝖼𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝖺𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝖼𝗁𝗂𝗅𝖽𝖻𝗂𝗋𝗍𝗁 𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗎𝗉 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾. 𝟤𝟥 𝖭𝗈𝗍 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗒 𝗌𝗈, 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗐𝖾 𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝗏𝖾𝗌, 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖿𝗂𝗋𝗌𝗍𝖿𝗋𝗎𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖲𝗉𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗍, 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗐𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗅𝗒 𝖺𝗌 𝗐𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗂𝗍 𝖾𝖺𝗀𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗒 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖺𝖽𝗈𝗉𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗈𝗇𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗉, 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖽𝖾𝗆𝗉𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝗈𝖽𝗂𝖾𝗌. 𝟤𝟦 𝖥𝗈𝗋 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗐𝖾 𝗐𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗏𝖾𝖽. 𝖡𝗎𝗍 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝗂𝗌 𝗇𝗈 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗅. 𝖶𝗁𝗈 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝖺𝗅𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝗒 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾? 𝟤𝟧 𝖡𝗎𝗍 𝗂𝖿 𝗐𝖾 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗐𝖾 𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗒𝖾𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾, 𝗐𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗂𝗍 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗂𝗍 𝗉𝖺𝗍𝗂𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗅𝗒. 𝟤𝟨 𝖨𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗒, 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖲𝗉𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗍 𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗉𝗌 𝗎𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗐𝖾𝖺𝗄𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗌. 𝖶𝖾 𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗐𝖾 𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗉𝗋𝖺𝗒 𝖿𝗈𝗋, 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖲𝗉𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗍 𝗁𝗂𝗆𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖼𝖾𝖽𝖾𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗎𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗅𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝖺𝗇𝗌. 𝟤𝟩 𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖺𝗋𝖼𝗁𝖾𝗌 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗌 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖲𝗉𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗍, 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖲𝗉𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗍 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖼𝖾𝖽𝖾𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖦𝗈𝖽’𝗌 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝗈𝗋𝖽𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝖦𝗈𝖽. 𝟤𝟪 𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝖾 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 𝖦𝗈𝖽 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗄𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗀𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗁𝗂𝗆, 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗉𝗎𝗋𝗉𝗈𝗌𝖾. 𝖱𝗈𝗆𝖺𝗇𝗌 𝟪: 𝟤𝟤-𝟤𝟪

~Because of Millie

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #MoreThen4 #Forever3 #WithJesus #AGrievingMama #Childloss #lifeafterloss

Sharing Millie

 

Every time I have the opportunity to share about Millie, I take it.

Each time I share our story, others thank me for being brave as I recount our pain.

Usually, the very people I am speaking to are the same people that will then share the pain they have walked through in life. Many times that pain includes grief from losing a child.

I share my pain, my heartache, my loss, and my life, all because I also want to share my hope, my joy, and my Jesus.

As I stood today sharing our story with a group of women, I learned a few things about myself.

One, each time I share our story, my heart mends the scar a little stronger. It will never heal back perfect like it was before Millie died, rather it will always have the mark of my precious girl and her love written on it. I do however become stronger with every word spoken.

Additionally, for the first time today, as I told the story, I was able to release another “what if” guilt I had carried:

“What if I had taken her for a blood test weeks earlier? Would that have caught the cancer in time?”

Tonight as I shared the story of Millie’s diagnosis day, I realized for the first time that the answer was:

No!

Simply put, the hospital did do a blood test the first night and still did not find cancer.

The Liver specialist did examine her and didn’t suspect cancer.

The test that finally found that cancer was taking over her abdomen was an ultrasound.

A simple, non invasive ultrasound. So painless and yet so much information being transmitted by those pictures. Remembering what diagnosed her, helps me to remember that I did the best I could with the information I had at that moment—the same any of us would do. It removes another “what if”.

It also seems that telling and retelling Millie’s story has value to others as people can see some of their own struggles lived out in my life. The simple reassurance given that we are not alone on these hard journeys.

It gives value to me as it solidifies my memories, my beliefs, my truths, and continues to shape my life.

I’m grateful to be able to share this story, again and again. To God be the Glory.

Because of Millie

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#MoreThen4

#Lifeafterloss

Millie's Voice - Life At My House

 

As I open my eyes I see mama sleeping in her big bed next to mine, I am so glad I get to be close to her and daddy. 

Sometimes at night I play a trick and ask to sleep in their bed with them, but I never stay long.  I like my own bed with my monkey, bear, pink blankie, and the soft pillowcase.  I snuggle under my Daniel Tiger blanket that someone made for me.

As I call out to mama this morning, she gets up to unhook my nutrition. I have a funny little button on my belly that daddy hooks me up to every night before bed.  One night I looked down at my belly and it was glowing!  That was a funny surprise!

Wearing my fuzzy pajama pants, I head to the kitchen for breakfast.  I don’t eat much but I always ask daddy if I can share his eggs.  He tries to make me an egg for myself, but it is not as good.  I just want to eat his, off his plate, with his fork.  Next mama makes a pot of coffee.  When she pours her cup, she gets the tiny baby cup out for me.  I don’t really like coffee, but I like to share with mama.

When brother wakes up we start fussing.  We chase each other around the table and through the house.  Usually, he is trying to kiss me!  He really likes me.  We have been best friends forever. He lets me ride on his back like a horsy, but he is so gentle I don’t fall off very often.  When I get mad at him I sometimes bite him really hard!

I am ready to go outside to play.  I run to find boots, either my mud boots or brother’s green boots will work.  Maybe he won’t notice that I took his again!  My big sister takes me out to play on the swing.  She will push me high in the sky.  Usually, brother gets on too since he is still little.  Next, we jump on the trampoline, then go to play on the patio together.  These two are my friends!

After a while, my other older sisters will wake up.  They are teenagers.  The older one likes to make funny dancing videos with me.  She also lets me help her cook pancakes.  She babysits me when mama has to leave. 

The next sister likes to watch funny videos on YouTube with me. I think I like the one about rolled ice cream the best.  That looks yummy!  I often get mad and even yell at her.  I always tell her sorry.  I know I’m not supposed to be mean to her.

My next sister takes me for rides on the 4-wheeler.  She tells me all her secrets because she knows I won’t tell.  I don’t actually understand most of it, but I do listen.  We snuggle and take funny face pictures.  We watch movies and string bead bracelets together. 

I wish my big brother would come visit my house.  He is married and has a baby. I sometimes call him on his phone and ask, “Will you come?  Bring your baby so we can play together.  Will you come back?”  I sure love him and his family!

Some days my biggest brother is home from work and will let me in his room to visit him.  I like to sit on his bed, eat his candy, and talk to him.  Even though he is big like mama and dad, he is a lot more fun than they are.  He chases me around the table, and we yell as loud as we can while we run.  I sure love it when he is at home.

I have lots of people in my family.  My biggest sister lives far away but I look at her picture on the wall in our living room. I also have grandmas, grandpas, nieces, and nephews, though I don’t know what all that means.  I just like when they all come to play with me. 

After lunch, mama makes me take a nap in my bed.  She closes the dark curtains and turns on my lullaby music.  Sometimes I fuss that I don’t want to go to sleep, but I do it anyway.  I am not sure what the other kids do when I sleep but the house sounds quiet. 

When nap time is over we play playdoh and kitchen toys and Pet Shops.  I like all those little toys.  We make big messes with them.

My favorite thing to do is help daddy with the farm.  He lets me ride in his orange tractor and help him drive.  It is really big, but I sit on his lap.  We feed the animals, our cows, horses, llama, chickens, and rabbits. 

Sometimes I help him paint the tiny house he is building beside our barn.  He lets me get messy, but it is so much fun. 

I am so glad I have a family to live with.  I sure love each of them.  It’s bedtime now.  Mama cleans me up, then she rocks me until I ask to get in my bed.  We both think it’s the best part of the day!

***This series is written from the voice or perspective of Millie, our 3-year-old daughter who was diagnosis with Stage 4, Neuroblastoma childhood cancer.  Millie battled for her life for one year, leaving us for heaven in 2020.  Due to her young age, I can only imagine how life felt to her. She was very articulate at 3, but her story is based off of what I observed as her mama.  Millie is missed every day and still so very loved.  We grieve but not without the hope of seeing her in heaven. ***

 

 

 

~Sharing awareness, because of Millie~  

 

Blessings sweet friends…

      ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
      ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

 

#MoreThen4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

 

#LifeAfterLoss

#Siblinggrief

 

#MilliesVoiceSeries