We prayed for a miracle which God granted in heaven. Daily we walk the path of grief, ever leaning on Jesus for our comfort. Until we meet again Millie, always remember you are forever loved and missed!

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Grief for the living and the dead

 

There is a grief for the dead, but also a grief for the living.
Grief with the dead encompasses the physical loss of our loved one.
It is the death of many things—who they would have been, where they should be, and what they are missing out on.
My grief for Millie is a grief for the dead. My physical loss of her is devastating. My loss of dreams for her—starting Kindergarten, losing her first tooth, riding a bike, graduation, marriage, babies, but mostly the relationship we would have had as adults. There is much grief wrapped up in that loss.
Grief for the dead also holds my memories, both of time spent together but also emotions and feelings of when I was with my little girl. Her scent, her soft skin, our many hours rocking together. Her birth, her death, and all the moments between. Her tantrums, her kisses, and her funny sense of humor.
This grief stabs you repeatedly when it catches you unaware. Small things bring it rushing in, blindsiding you and knocking you to your knees. Even so this grief I almost expect. Some days I have the feeling rise up in me that it is coming. I get a flash of understanding that the hard gut wrenching is just ahead as I bite my lip and prepare for the assault.
As a mama I never thought I would be walking through grief for the dead.
Grief for the living is different. When we birth children we somewhat expect heartaches to come up. Of course, we often say, “Oh my child will never…” but reality is that is usually the first thing they do. They seem to be drawn by the confidence we have as parents to stomp our hearts and forge their own path.
The living doesn’t always recognize the dangers that lay just ahead. They can’t believe that we parents are able to foresee the heartache, rather making themselves believe we are crimping their lives. Loss of a future, of this time in life, of a good name and of our protection are a few things that the living often throws aside, and a parent grieves deeply.
This type of grief is something we think we can hold back or change. We might plead or beg, cry or rage, talk and reason, all in the name of taming this grief. Yet many times it falls on deaf ears--on a heart bent on going its own way.
This grief is so heavy that it wearies your soul. It burdens your mind and troubles your heart. The grief feels similar to the grieving of the dead and yet the difference is that this grief can still contain hope. It offers a future if only eyes can be opened, and hearts can be turned. Until that time it gives a mama many hours to pray as she frets. It brings anguish, but also anticipation to see how the Lord will work this for good.
Grief for the living and grief for the dead are both heavy on a mama’s heart. As a mama to many children, I cling to the anticipation of seeing the living thrive and succeed despite the grief we have lived through as a family. I look forward to the day that my children become adults, wise and walking in the word of God. To know my job of mothering young children and teens has been successful despite the many prayerful tears and doubts. Oh, how I will miss them being little, but oh the joy of a job well done.




︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Tea with Leavyn

 


I was so blessed to host a tea party with some little friends yesterday. I served lemonade ‘tea’ and sugar cookies. The children laughed and laughed that each sip emptied the tiny cup and they need lots of refills. This tea part was partly a repeat of two other tea parties I have held in the last 18 months.
The week before Millie died these same sweet friends came to our house to have a short tea party with Millie. A precious memory is of the sugar cubes we added to the tiny cups. Little Millie put her finger into the tea and pronounced it to be “Yucky!”
The next time my little friends arrived we held a tea party with Little Man thoroughly enjoying being the host. We missed Millie so much but took that time to share her little pink place house with our friend.


Yesterday when my little friends showed up on my porch they were ready for our next tea party. First we played with the toys that haven’t gotten much use since Millie left for heaven. Next we went to Millie’s shelf, taking her toys and special things off and playing with them together. We went through her photo album looking at her pictures and allowing this mama to share my sweet memories. After our tea party we played outside. My heart fills with Joy to see little children using the things Millie left behind—the pink tricycle, the swing under the tree, and jumping on our trampoline.
The guests were my little friend was Leavyn The journey of Leavyn Laine - Our Little Braveheart, along with her brother, sister and her mama, my precious friend Winter.
As we watched Leavyn play on the trampoline and just be a regular kid, we talked about how she was healing from having her port removal surgery recently. We were both grateful the bigger kids were so cautious to not hurt her as they included her in their playtime.



Oddly enough, after being fine on our big trampoline yesterday, Leavyn fell on a toddler trampoline and fractured her arm today. Pray it heals quickly and without too much pain.
Blessings sweet friends…
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Monday, December 27, 2021

Journaling our prayers

 As the sun rises over the eastern horizon, what got you up and moving? 

Was it the alarm clock, the dog needing to go out, or knowing your job was waiting?

Do you rush through the shower, breakfast, and traffic?

Or do you take a few moments to focus your mind and still your heart before the busyness of the day begins?

Does a warm cup of coffee, a comfy chair, and God’s word call to you?

Do you start out your day with Jesus?

I know in my mind that every single day I plan to grab my bible and dive into God’s word for a few minutes at the start of the day.  I don’t always get it done, in fact there are times I go a few days and forget my resolve to convene with Jesus each morning.  Without accountability, the best laid plans seem to fail—at least in my life.  How about yours?

As I started my day this morning I picked up my bible and my prayer journal. One important way I keep track of what I read is to date my journal and write what chapter references I am reading for the day.  I also try to jot a summary down of what I read about.  Finally, I often add prayer thoughts that come to mind.  To go back through and see what was important and on my heart at different times in my life intrigues me.  Today I got caught up in rereading my prayer request and the answered prayers from previous years.  

I looked back at December 2018 when I was praying about Millie’s constant crying.  I prayed God would give me wisdom about how to train her to be quieter.  Through the spring of 2019, my prayers continued to be listed for her and her ‘behavior’.  She was so fussy, wouldn’t sleep through the night, and was generally unhappy.  Little did I know then that the answer was found by God placing people in my path that knew the signs of cancer.  From June 2019 to July 2020 my prayer journal is blank—that year’s worth of prayers were listed here on her prayer page allowing others to join in with my daily prayer requests.  Once Millie went to heaven, my requests returned to my journal.  

My journal holds the heart felt prayer needs of my other children, grandchildren, and family. It holds my hopes, dreams, desires, and even discouragement.  It covers my beloved hubby and his leadership of our family. Many a friend is listed as I have prayed over hurting hearts, bodies, and marriages.  It holds the births of babies and the deaths of others. This journal also holds the many updates to answered prayers.  It is truly a testimony to what God does in the life of believers when they place their trust in him.  

I believe prayer is such an important part of our walk. It is laying our own needs before the Father and submitting our will to his purpose for our lives.  Prayer aligns our hearts with his.  I have offered this before, but if you have a special prayer need you can list it in the comments or private message me and I will pray over it.  Never doubt that the Lord hears our prayers and answers.  Sometimes he says yes, sometimes it is no, sometimes it is simple ‘Peace be still’ meaning wait.  He doesn’t always answer how we would like, but he does carry us through the painful ‘no’ that we encounter along the way.  David and I both know Jesus has carried us through the ‘no to earthly healing’ and into the ‘wait’ until we see Millie again.  May you feel him carrying you as well…




       ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆

     ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThan4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

Sunday, December 26, 2021

A Gentle Christmas

 It’s been a good Christmas. The grief was gentle, the family pleasant, and the joy close at hand. As we thought of Millie, David and I shared a knowing smile of memories between us. There’s never a moment in our hearts that she’s not a part of.

We ate too much sugar and are ready for real food again. We loaded trash bags with scraps of wrapping paper discarded after finding the true treasure hidden inside. We laughed, loved, and lived. We shared stories, hugs, and goodbye kisses.
Christmas 2021 is now a memory.
As the new year approaches may dreams be achieved, compassion be embraced, and direction be clear. God is moving and I’m excited for what the upcoming year holds.




Blessings sweet friends…
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Christmas in Heaven

 

Merry Christmas in heaven Baby Girl. This is the second year you have spent this day with Jesus.
I gave your daddy an album of all 700+ pictures of the two of you together. He cried sweet tears of precious memories. Even though I see your pictures all the time, I almost cried too.
We miss you little one. We love you forever Millie.
Merry Christmas





Blessings sweet friends…
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Friday, December 24, 2021

My Christmas JOY

 My Christmas JOY today was seeing another picture of Millie that I had forgotten existed.  FB was so kind to bring it up in my memories and I almost cried!  I love finding pictures of her…

These pictures are the 4 Christmas mornings that we were blessed to have her in our life.

I wrote a lot about my grief and grieving today to clear my head, but I will share that later.  Today is for family, fun, joy, and Jesus.  










       ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆

     ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThan4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

The Things I didn't do this Christmas

 Today I finished wrapping the gifts and placing them under the tree. We long ago decided the children would know we were the gift givers. We do mention Santa, but as SJ put it the day we saw him in a parking lot, “Every family has their own Santa mom. That’s not ours because he is at work!” She gets a kick out of thinking daddy and I are Mr and Mrs Clause.

We also finished our advent book tonight on the Jesse Tree. I guess I miscounted when to start to end on Christmas. The children take turns adding a countdown sticker to the calendar each night.
The things we didn’t do this year for Christmas.
~mail cards
~buy matching pjs
~make gingerbread houses
~go see lights
~make cookies
~ bake treats
~take a picture with Santa
Sometimes we get led into believing that we have to do all these fun things to make memories and be good parents—but we don’t. While there is nothing wrong with enjoying yourself, Christmas should not be stressful.
Remember to slow down, breath in deeply, and let the peace of God pass over you. Jesus is the reason we celebrate.




Blessings sweet friends…
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵