Another Birthday

 

Today’s my birthday. Another year has passed by. It’s my second one without my girl here. She came to mind multiple times today... just as many times as the tears filled my eyes. It didn’t keep this day from being a good day but it definitely was a shadow that floated through my mind many times today.

We sat at the table this morning looking at videos of Millie and talking about if I had seen this one or that one before. Most I hadn’t—and I loved seeing each one. Hearing her voice floating through the kitchen again, we were laughing, then crying—all connect so closely together. I had to head to my room to take a breather. When I sat down in my chair, Millie’s monkey’s smell wafted past me. I grabbed that monkey, hugged it close, breathed it in and nothing registered. No smell at all. I fear Monkey’s smell—the one my brain associates with Millie, is fading.

I don’t want to forget her smell, the feel of her skin, or her laugh—ever!

It’s crazy hard how knowing truth and believing truth doesn’t make reality less painful.

I KNOW Truth-Jesus!

I BELIEVE Truth-Scripture!

Still my heart hurts, especially on days like today. Grief causes physical hurt. It causes emotional pain. It causes confusion, forgetfulness, and despondency. It is just plain rotten.

I am so grateful to have Jesus to pour my troubled thoughts on. I’m grateful for his sustaining peace. I’m not sure how anyone gets through this loss without knowing Christ and clinging to the hope of heaven.

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#MoreThen4

I’m okay... wait maybe I’m not...

 

It’s windy in Oklahoma this week.

No I mean REALLY WINDY!

Wind gust have been up to 55 mph the last two days.

A local area school was closed today due to wind damage. That’s strong winds!

I stopped by to “see” Millie this morning after I dropped the girls off at their school. It was just after sunrise. The sky had dark clouds tinged in brilliant pink and oranges. I had in mind that the decorations on her grave might be blown away from the wind. A few were, although most were in place. I retrieved one of her vase flower pics from the fence line. The graves around us were in worse shape with benches blown over and flowers blown everywhere. It’s sad when our sentiments of love for our family are tossed and tattered. Our last opportunity to show their importance to us—to honor them and the wind ruthlessly rips it away much as death did to our loved ones.

This morning as I straightened the flowers and the tears fell, I reminded God again how I trust him, yet how hard it is to understand how a tiny precious girl could be called home so early in her life. Tears turn to sobs as my grief poured out there over her earthly body. As I climbed in my car I decided the only thing I could be thankful about in the grief walk today was that I got the time to tell her goodbye. Her death wasn’t a surprise like many of my friends children. We had weeks to sit and wait. Each agonizing day held an unspoken question of, “today?”

I have continued throughout this day, tears have ebbed and flowed but that’s okay. It’s a reflection of walking in grief...

Tears... I’m okay... wait maybe I’m not... laughing as I remember something funny she did... a knot in my chest as I look at her picture... a tear running down my cheek... being okay again... All on repeat...

The “hope of heaven” comes with the assurance that every tear will be wiped away.

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#MoreThen4

It is all in how we respond

 

Sometimes I feel like Eeyore, the famous donkey from Winnie the Pooh.

I moan and groan, focusing on all the negatives in life and complaining about them.

Other times I feel like Polly Anna, a girl who sees everything as rosy and bright, with no care in the world.

How can those two stark opposites both reside in my life?

Two words really...

Sin and Conviction.

The emotions themselves are not the sin, rather it is how I respond to them. If I choose to hold tight to my discouragement and disappointments... If I choose to see the bad... If I chose to be ungrateful...or angry...or bitter.

That’s SIN.

When I get convicted that my heart is not right, I have to choose to take those negative gloomy thoughts captive and speak TRUTH over them. I have to decide to believe God’s word over my own feelings. I have to choose to find something to be grateful for in the middle of the storm.

That’s where Polly Anna comes in... she sometimes gets accused of being fake. She slaps on a smile, talks in her singsong voice, and looks at the world through a happier lens. Is she for real?? Or is she choosing to take the pain she has and use it for a greater purpose? I choose to believe it is the latter.

I want to see the pot of gold at the end of the proverbial rainbow AND I want to remember the promise behind the real ones.

I want to be an encourager AND I want to be the one that will point you to who encourages me.

I want to tell you the about my favorite book, the amazing hero, and who wins in the final scene.

I want to point you to Jesus.

Blessings sweet friends,

Polly Anna aka Millie’s Mama

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThan4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

Fall was my favorite

Fall used to be my favorite time of year.

Bulky sweaters...

Apple cider...

Pumpkin anything...

Orange and brown and yellows...

My birthday...

Bonfires...

Cool weather...

A slower pace...

This year fall has a different feel to me. Not something I am looking forward to really. It doesn’t feel sad, just detached. Something that I’m looking at but not really seeing. Filled with things that I don’t really care if we ‘do’ them or not.

I already decorated the kitchen with all our fall decor, mainly because David brought in the metal pumpkins for the table, and they looked pretty silly sitting with the spring stuff that was still hanging around.

I have procrastinated taking the kids to buy pumpkins and each day when I drive by the fruit stand the pile becomes sparser. Reality is if I don’t take them this week, the stand will close for the season, and I will have let two little children down.

As the season changes today to MUCH cooler weather, I dread trying on my cool weather clothes. It seems my weight keeps climbing and nothing I am doing seems to help it.

I have bought one...ONE...pumpkin spice frappe this year. Seems I have lost my taste for anything pumpkin—or my desire to find yummy things that tastes good without all the added sugars.

The part of fall that makes me smile are years past where we took cute kid pictures with the pumpkins... both the orange ones and my little Pumpkins.

Blessings sweet friends,

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThan4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama