In the still of the night

 Before bed each night, Little Man says “I need to see a Millie video”. I think in the quiet of night, when we all slow down, it gives our minds the opportunity to reflect on Millie. She filled our life in such a big way. Our house seems empty now... that sounds funny considering we still have 5 kids and 2 adults living here. One little girl so very loved, filled our lives, hearts, and home with her presence

The daily rocking chair time with momma....

Putting on her boots to go outside and work with daddy....

Chasing Josh around the kitchen table....

Watching her cuddle Joe at every visit....

Making silly videos with Miss K....

Having Miss M paint her toe nails....

Riding the 4 wheeler with Miss A....

Playing secret spies with SJ....

Demanding “woofie” her pet dog (Little Man) follow her around and let her pet him....

Making her a thousand burritos, chocolate doughnuts, pudding, taquitos, “chicken-beef”, and breaded chicken depending on her current whim.

Listening to her call ‘Grundma’ on the phone.

Watching Grandma push her on the swing at every visit.

She was so smart, sassy, and funny rolled up in one. She loved and she loved big....

In the middle of the night hearing ‘Mom? Dad? I wub you’

So many memories. So much to be thankful for. Thank you Jesus for blessing our family with Amelia Joy

Grief is lonely

 Grief is....

Lonely. Seeing my kids play by themselves. Taking a picture of Little Man or SJ playing without Millie. It opens my eyes up to just how intricately she is woven throughout our family. Seeing our grandbaby come looking for Millie...hearing the teens struggle. Just this morning, one commented how much she missed her little snuggler. Me not having her to rock to sleep at night....

Today I changed my sheets on my bed. That was an accomplishment, something to think about. I’ve avoided it because it was the last unwashed item that might have her smell (besides her lovies). Millie slept with us the night before she passed. We were all three cuddled together in our bed one last time. It makes sense to have clean sheets yet I had to pause and make a choice that I was ok with it before I did it.

Each step is a step toward healing...as if you could ever heal from a piece of your heart being gone. Maybe healing isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s a step towards accepting that life will never again be what we expected.

Although we will forever miss Millie, we can not just permeate sadness forever. Our lives will have JOY again. It might be tinged with the sorrow that she’s not here to experience the happiness with us, but there will be things that bring joy. Children marrying, grand babies to be born, graduations, SALVATIONS, so much life that our family has yet to live. Our precious sweet Millie, while she took a part of my heart when she left, she is always with me in my heart. There is nowhere I go that she’s not on my mind

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This verse reminds me to TRUST in Him. Only through that trust can my heart overflow with hope again.

I feel like I might be rambling this evening. Sometimes the swirling emotions, random thoughts, and rational mind all clash to see who will be victorious in winning the moment. This is what brings the exhaustion... We are in a battle.

Twenty days later

 I'm not sure I have anything profound to say today. I'm still pretty tired and heading to bed on time tonight...yay me!

As I mentioned yesterday, we have been pretty busy the last few days. One thing I realized that grief makes me more exhausted. I'm not handling the little stuff nearly as patiently as I want.

Last night as I ordered iced coffee with cream at McDonald, they told me they were all out. I asked if they had hot black coffee....'yes'....and ice?....."yes". "Okay that's what I want. Just put cream in the cup and I will pour it in when it cools." Man taking the order agrees, however window #2 could not get it right. First she hands me the hot coffee...that's good. Next a cup of ice water...nope I just want a cup of ice and cream. Then she hands me just a cup of ice.... nope I want cream in it. As she tells me "mam, we don't have cream" I start to argue "yes you do I order it here all the time. That's the only reason I came here" She gives me 'the look'... you know they one that says you are stupid and need to move along??!?? Yeah that one. As I drove away I burst into tears. Was I crying about cream? No, I was crying with all the pent up emotion of the last few weeks.

One of my less than grace filled children said 'get over it mom its not life or death'...this made me cry even harder and respond "I am allowed to cry whenever I want". That's a big thing for my <<non crier>> self to be able to say.

Grief is a funny thing. Even though we are all walking it together, we all walk it alone. We handle it differently. Some are private and don't speak much of Millie. The little children speak of her daily. Daddy and I have to carry our own grief and help all the others through it. That's a heavy load. I worry about missing something...someone. I know God's grace is sufficient and I am resting in that, but I still have worry sometimes.

It has been 20 days since I last held my sweet baby girl. It feels like a lifetime has passed, but then I realize it's still July. Time has an odd hold on me right now. Tonight's pictures are from her newborn session. Such a precious sweet baby girl. So very loved!

Happier Days

 Happier days.... These pictures represent a time in our lives when we were ‘normal’. Between 18 months and 2 Millie was such a happy little girl.

Today was a productive day for the most part. We ran lots of errands, had our house cleaned as a gift to us, and finished it off with school clothes shopping. We are stepping outside of our ever expanding comfort zone and allowing Miss M and Miss A to attend a private Christian school this year. I still plan to homeschool the rest of the children. So many changes in such a short time.

I also spent the afternoon taking pictures of “to sale” stuff. It’s amazing how much stuff we own that we need pass on. I plan to start listing it tomorrow.

It’s 12:45 and I’m exhausted tonight. Thanks for checking in on us. Off to bed, better late than never

Praises:

We completed the school shopping today thanks to a sweet friend who offered to guide us about the dress code. Relief!

Prayers:

Pray friend Ady’s bone marrow aspirate is % cancer free as the results come back soon!

Sleeping at last

 It’s a good Sunday....

For the first time since Millie left us I have slept all night, tear free, and not hurting physically. My body was so inflamed the last two weeks. The steroids really have helped to settle the inflammation down. I have been taking many natural supplements to help but nothing was working.

Saturday we were able to pass some of Millie’s things to our precious grand baby. Little miss is ready for size 3’s and that’s what Millie was wearing this summer. I did keep the ones that held memories of special events or favorites. Of course I kept her Millie shirts. I kept some little socks, her sweet hats, and her bows. I’m still not sure if I want a quilt or to make a memory bear.

We plan to get a shelf to place her stuff on. Her boots, blankets, bear, monkey, and pictures. There are other things that were at her service that we will mix in. It will be a work in progress, but I’ll show you all whenever we get it together.

We also pulled out all our “baby” stuff to sell or give away. With Millie being close to 4 years old and no more babies showing up around here, it’s time to clean stuff out. After having a baby in the house for the last 29 years, this is a big adjustment.

As school starts back up soon we also set up our new homeschool area. It’s another thing we have done forever... This is our 26th year! I have lots of curriculum to get organized and sold. I feel like there are so many areas in life that got away from us this last years. In a family our size you can’t let stuff stack up too long or you will be over run with stuff.

Blessings friends. Thanks for all your prayers