A Coat of Many Colors of Grief

 

Dear Friends,

 

Have you ever watched a movie, thought it was sweet but then just moved on?  It did not inspire you.  It did not make you emotional.  It did not cause heartache.  It just was…

 

Until you had a year where you lived through your baby getting critically ill.  Until held her in your arms as she took her last breath.  Until you have survived the last 7 months grieving as a family.  Until you sat through church once again with tears streaming down your face, with empty arms, but a heart crying out to the Lord for comfort.  Until you listened to the song “Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…” played on the piano by a beautiful older lady that reminds me of my sweet gramma.

 

Today after morning service we had a simple lunch together with just David, I, SJ, and Little Man.  We are at the odd time in our lives where all the other children are busy…ALL.THE.TIME!  It is precious to have so much time to spend with these two, but oh so strange to think I have 9 children but only two eat with me most of the time.  Little Man remarked last week that he did not like it that his whole family does not eat together anymore…one of the many things that cancer stole from our family. 

 

After our meal we gathered on the couch to watch the movie Dolly Parton's “Coat of Many Colors”.  This movie is sat back in the mountains of Tennessee, showing Dolly as a young girl growing up in a family of 8 children.  Her family was extremely poor but had a mama whose faith was strong.  The mama became pregnant with her 9^th child, but the baby only lived minutes.  The grief almost tore the family apart until the daddy eventually came to understand and know Jesus.  I do not know how much of the movie follows Dolly’s true life, but regardless a movie that once only sweetly touched our heart, now caused the tears to roll down not only my face, but Millie’s daddy’s face also.  The raw emotions of this movie were all too familiar with our own emotions.  Even our children were very subdued with Little Man coming to sit on my lap and asking hard questions about why they were reacting to death in that manner. 

 

I think the reality that other families have had to walk this same painful path brings my heart to great compassion.  I am so sorry that anyone knows the pain of losing a child, no matter the age.  I am sorry that anybody knows the pain of death and separation.  I am however so very grateful that God is still God even in the pain.  He offers us comfort and compassion even with he does not offer us understanding. He listens to our cry for comfort, even as he gathers our tears up and credits them in his book.

 

Psalms 56:8 “You have taken account of my miseries; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?”

 

If you have not seen this movie, grab your tissues.  You might not cry for Dolly’s family taking it as just a movie, but you might tear up if you think of Millie and so many other children gone before their parents.  Everywhere you look there are hurting people who need the comfort of the Lord Jesus.  How will they find it if we do not know HIM?  How will they know him if we do not tell them about him?

 

Romans 10:17 “So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.”

 

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

 

#MilliesMiracle

 

#Forever3

 

#WithJesus

 

#Neuroblastoma

 

#ChildhoodCancer

Get your lens of gratitude ready

Dear Friends,

I know some days it seems I talk about such random topics that really don't relate to Millie at all. However, under the surface my life, my reactions and decisions all circle back to things I have learned on this walk as a mama...Millie's Mama, but also the other kids mama. My experiences as a wife also play part of who I am. But above all, my experience as someone who loves Jesus guides my heart, mind, and prayerfully my lips...or in this case my fingertips!

Today I am going to talk about some hot topics and current events. Not politically, but how we view the things that we are going through. What lens or filter do we use? What filter I have tried to use during this extremely HARD year that just ended.

First a few funnies…

• If 2020 was toilet paper, it would feel like a cheese grater.

• If 2020 were a pinata, it would resemble a hornet’s nest.

• If 2020 were a book, the author would be Stephen King.

• If 2020 were crossing the street it would be like looking both ways and then being hit by a plane.

• If 2020 filled your Easter Basket, you would get disposable masks, sanitizer, and zinc lozenges.

• If 2020 were a drink, it would be a colonoscopy prep.

• If 2020 were a boat, it would be TITANTIC II.

In all seriousness, I found most of those on Pinterest. I laughed at most and cringed at a few more. The year 2020 was a force to be reckoned with for sure. I have heard it termed as a “Dumpster Fire”. I know many people could not wait for it to end. It has been packed with lots of heartache, job loss, separation, loneliness, financial problems, and even death. That amounts to lots of PAIN! According to an article I found on US NEWS the rise of depression, addiction, and suicidal thoughts is on the rise, especially in our younger generation. That is not surprising as this pandemic, the constant fear, and the isolation hits us all hard. Was it what any of us expected on December 31, 2019?

At that time, the world looked like a friendly place filled with smiling people, generosity, and goodwill. People were capitalizing on the “2020 being a year of clear vision”. Was it? Maybe so. It definitely gave a clear view to the secret parts of our hearts. It laid wide open our fears. It brought forth our prejudice, not just racial, but even just towards other people’s opinions. It divided us into good and bad people…except no one could quite tell what side they landed in as the accusations flew back and forth. All in all, it seemed like nothing good came from 2020. I mean in my family it felt like a pretty wretched year! What about in yours?

What if we could reach into our camera bag, take out a new lens, one that blurred out the ugly and let only the blessings shine bright…

What if the isolation of quarantine became more time together as families?

What if virtual school became the opportunity you always wanted to try homeschooling the kids?

What if being forced to stay home meant you had time to get that closet decluttered or the house repainted?

What if working from home gave you to opportunity to see if you and your spouse could really work together and survive it?

What if eating at home caused your family’s health to improve and your pocketbook to grow…all because you could not eat out?

What if you were able to reconnect with old friends as you sought prayer on social platforms?

What if a horrible illness allowed you to spend days, no months beside a hospital bed with your loved one?

What if walking through pain allowed you to see much more clearly the pain those around you live with?

What if you this year was horrible, your baby died, but your faith was able to hang on even through the grief?

What if the worst came and you survived?

What if you could use the worst thing in your life to be a blessing to others and in turn receive the blessing they offer?

What if you chose to see if you have that lens in your bag? Dig deep… it is the lens of gratitude. We all have it, but some of us have forgotten how to use it. We keep it tucked away because it is easier to focus on that big lens that blow up our problems, magnifying them so as to steal all the attention.

When I have pulled out my gratitude lens, it looks like a pen and a journal. It is a place that I write under the title “Finding my Joy”. It is the list of things that bless me so much that I know I need to give thanks, but also the little things I would forget by the end of the week.

• A prayer my child said.

• A tiny flower from the yard

• A phone call from my mama

• Coffee with a friend

• A hug from my spouse

• A card of encouragement

• A sweet comment left on a post.

There are so many things…little things…to be thankful for. I pray I will be filled daily with gratitude to see life though a lens that I hope never gets dusty.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer

*** Levels of Anxiety, Addiction, Suicidal Thoughts Are Soaring in the Pandemic,

US News.com, Aug. 13, 2020

 

 This sums up how the beautiful filter of life can be clouded by a rotten year. This little girl fought hard, she was brave, she led the journey in her timing. She was such a beautiful warrior, yet her battle was not won on earth but in heaven. Sweet Millie, I will always remember... until Heaven!

I needed to share all three of these pictures together. They tell a story of three individual families who were blessed by three little girls who each had a battle to FIGHT. One finished her battle as she closed her eyes last summer and opened them in heaven. One finished her battle this month as she took her last medication Lord Willing! One continues her battle as her treatment will last another year or two. Each girl is STRONG, BRAVE, and BEAUTIFUL! Each has a different purpose to fulfill in their journey. Each one has a special place in my heart...a place of GRATFULNESS, LOVE AND HOPE. 

Levy, Ady, and Millie

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2407861586127508

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100057253697851 

Use your pen cautiously

 

Dear Friends,

Tonight, I did something… I hurt someone’s heart.  I did not mean to ever hurt my sweet friend.  I posted a comment on social media that was encouraging in the brief time it took me to type it. However, by the time I hit send it took a very rude and bossy tone.  My heart hurts!  I immediately apologized and clarified, but really my heart still hurts.  I never want to disappoint Jesus.  I always want to be loving and kind. I want to be an encourager in all I do.

My precious friend forgave me….  I am so grateful she heard my heart! 

 

I am sharing this not to pat myself on the back. I only did exactly what I would have counselled any of my children to do. If we are offensive, the very best thing we can do is be humble and admit our mistakes.  I also would have reminded them that the things we write can be taken so wrong!  Our inflection, tone of voice, punctuation, and even facial expressions help us ‘hear’ someone’s true heart. As I journal each night, I often think I wish I could talk face to face.  That my heart could be shared rather than my words be read.  I proofread what I write by speaking it out loud, hoping what I write is a healing balm not as firecracker!

Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

Hear my heart, If I EVER write something that is offensive, please know that was not my heart.  I do talk about hard subjects and I share God’s word concerning it, but that in no way means I think I know it all.  It in no way makes me a judge of you.  Instead, I share my heart of what God is working with me or our family on.  You in turn decide if it applies to you.  I love you all… 

 

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

 

#MilliesMiracle

 

#Forever3

 

#WithJesus

 

#Neuroblastoma

 

#ChildhoodCancer

The Fabric of Our Life

 Dear Friends,

Moths are a destructive creature. They are small, seemingly harmless. Sometimes pretty with their dainty, colorful wings. But allow one into a protected area of your home like a closet and you will soon find out the destruction this small creature can wreck on your belongings. The fabric, the very strength in the remnant of cloth will be compromised with small holes. Some are so small that they seem insignificant at the time, yet nevertheless they are ruining the value of the garment with each bite.

Our lives can hold that same type of destruction if we allow compromises in. The small things we think will be okay ‘just this one time’ or ‘as long as nobody knows’ weakens the very fabric of our Christian lives. It also pushes us down a slippery road to a place where we will not know how to return from. Have you ever heard the phrase “Sin takes you farther than you ever wanted to go and keeps you there longer than you planned to stay?’ It is so true! Sin is addictive, whether you want it to be or not. Once your body gets a taste of the forbidden pleasure it becomes very hard to back away from it and act as if you never indulged. Look at Eve in the garden. Once her eyes were opened to the knowledge of Good and Evil, her conscious was awakened. She now knew she was wrong, and she hid with Adam as God walked through the garden.

Genesis 3:8 “Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.”

This seemingly simple act of disobedience, eating a piece of fruit, catapulted our world into the fallen state of death. Do you realize the reason grief is so hard is because WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO EXPERIENCE DEATH? WE would have lived forever without the introduction to sin. Instead, I am now dying daily to the heartbreak of losing a precious 3-year-old baby. People all over the world are hurting from sin and the consequences of it. This will be a battle until eternity.

Getting back to the fabric of our lives, we start our years with great plans. Plans to prosper and have good success. However, over a lifetime the vermin come and devour our plans. Marriages fail, babies die, families bankrupt, teens rebel, disease ravages bodies, friends become enemies and the fabric of our life suffers. The integrity and strength of the fabric become compromised with the holes of sin. These holes become a bitter end to our garment of life OR they become a healing balm of a life testimony. IF we can share them and point to JESUS, then and only then can God restore us.

Joel 2:25-27 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you.

26 You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the Lord your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.

27 Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:

I am the Lord your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame…”

What does sharing your testimony look like? Is it giving every dirty and shameful detail of our failures to show others how ‘bad’ we really were? No, I do not believe it needs that detail. I feel that you are able to share your failures in ways that do not give someone a picture in their mind. Instead, you are admitting to a failure, whether it be one of the eyes (coveting), physical (lust), or significance (importance) and you are giving confirming testimony how God redeems us and washes us clean of our sin.

As a disclaimer, you might wonder why I am talking about sin being so present in our lives. Yes, our family is being attacked, the remnant of our family fabric is being strained, but it is not my place to share others struggles, testimonies, or sins. I would suffice to say that ANY family striving to live for Jesus Christ will be under attack. If they are not under attack, then I would have them consider if the devil feels that you are not worth persecuting? Is your family so ineffective that he has no need to go after you? Are you making a difference in the pursuit of the Gospel? If you are raising an ARMY for Christ, you can expect the hard times. You can expect that satan would desire to destroy you and your children.

In our family, his greatest attack came from death stealing away our baby. How would we handle it? Would we become bitter? Would we be ineffective as we walk through grief? Would he have opportunity to slide temptations in front of our eyes, hoping we would numb our pain? What about you? How would you walk through this trial? Would you be angry? Bitter? You had better consider it now, because even if your trial is not death of a child, you will be given a trial. Will the fabric your life be weakened?

1 Peter 1:6-9 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Please pray for us as we battle the fiery darts that are being shot our way. Please surround our kids with a hedge of protection that as our “quiver of arrows”, they can be launched into the world to hit a sure and effective mark for Christ. Please lift our marriage up that we would be bonded so strongly together that satan has no hold in our life. I appreciate your prayers just as I appreciate being able to pray for you.

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#ChildhoodCancer