First Year Grief / Second Year Grief

 𝗙𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗚𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗳 feels excruciating…

It hits you over and over and over with waves of tears.

It tricks you into to thinking you can do something only to fall apart in the middle of the task.

It causes your chest to feel like an elephant is sitting on it and your lungs to be breathless.

It is raw, fresh, and so painful.

It covers you in fog and confusion.

First Year Grief is so very hard…

𝗦𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗚𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗳 feels different than the first.

It reminds you that you have to keep on living when you feel like your world stopped.

It allows you to go a few days before it takes an ugly strike at your heart.

It hurts physically but more with a persistent ache than a stabbing agony.

It begins to clear out of your head and helps you realize if it hadn’t been for the fog you might not of survived the pain of the first 365 days.

It passed by many of the ‘firsts’ and leaves you dreading many of the ‘seconds.’

It makes you more aware of all you have lost.

Second Year Grief is equally hard.

As I read through scripture this morning I was impressed upon by the fact that many of the fathers of the Christian faith had very hard lives. They expressed their faith, but also their fears and doubts. They cried out for deliverance, but also clung to God as they continued to wait. They allowed themselves the grace to freely live in a relationship with God, not just holding him to the idea that everything must be perfect…much like the original garden. No hurts, not sickness, no sin, no misunderstandings, no silence, no loss, no death. Sadly, life here is not what God intended for us. Our lives will not meet that perfect standard until we meet him in heaven.

As much as we desire a life of ease, simplicity, and calm, we have to remember this world is not our forever home. We are not supposed to be so comfortable here that we are not longing for Jesus. Instead, we are to daily seek his face. We are to be eagerly looking for his return. We are to be joyfully working as the day grows closer. We Christians are to be hope givers by sharing our true struggles AND our faith as we live them.

“As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God.” Psalms 42:1

If your heart is hurting like mine is…

If your life seems a mess of broken dreams and disappointments…

If you wonder how you can survive with the pain you are living with…

Turn your eyes to Jesus—long for him—follow him—allow him to carry you.

Heaven is one day closer…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThan4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

30 Days of Gratitude - Day 30

While my time of recognizing and acknowledging what I am grateful for won’t end, my 30 days of November is done after tonight. I have thought much of the day about what I am grateful for today—it is YOU.

Who knew on June 23, 2019 when I posted a simple request to pray for my baby girl that it would grow to encompass so many things.

- Readers from around the world and many different countries.

- Friends who came to know us personally from Millie’s page.

- Encouragement and prayers when we most need it.

- Community as you share your hurts with me and allow me to pray for you.

- People coming to know Christ.

- Speaking engagements and podcasts

- A book that has been shared with the beta readers as of TODAY!

- A picture book that is sitting with an illustrator.

- You sharing my words with other hurting families.

- God receiving the glory for all the lives Millie touched in her 3 short years. More people know her name than they do mine.

- The opportunity to be a cancer mentor parent.

- The opportunity to help with grief support.

- The opportunity to use my pain for God’s glory.

All of that came from each one of you 14,000+ people that follow Millie’s Miracle officially. I believe there are just as many more who have yet to “like” the page but show up every day to speak LIFE to my weary hurting heart regardless.

I am grateful for YOU, the faithful encouragement, love, and prayers you have covered us with.

{{I wanted to put pictures I have collected of each of you over the last 2 1/2 years but there were too many. So instead I share a glimpse of Millie’s life during her fight. }}

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#MoreThen4

A Life of Changes

Have you noticed my writing changing the last few weeks— or months??

I have noticed but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

When Millie first passed I was clinging so desperately to Jesus that I was overflowing with his peace.

My faith was strong.

My walk was sure in spite of the pain.

Some things have changed now, but others have not. Year two has been HARD, maybe harder than year one. Not the pain, that never changes, but the long-term realization that this is now our life until we join Millie in heaven.

I am still clinging to Jesus, maybe more desperately now.

My faith is still strong.

My walk is not so steady, more he is now carrying me as I move through each day.

I have had to go back to scripture and remind myself of what I believe. Sometimes well-meaning people, repeating well-meaning phrases, actually hurt our walk with Christ. Over the last few months, I had been ingesting a few of those, chewing on them, and having to decide if they truly represented God as I understand him. David and I have had many discussions between ourselves over our beliefs about salvation and heaven.

So why do I share this? I think it is important to share that though my faith is strong, my flesh is weak and tattered. I am more dependent on Jesus than ever before, but that doesn’t keep me from forgetting to lean into him. I opened my Bible journal this morning and realized that 7 days had gone without reading God’s word in personal study.

Yes I have prayed…

Yes I have attended church…

Yes I have studied in my Wednesday and Sunday class…

Yes I have praised listening to Christian music…

But no, I forgot to open God’s word, read, and meditate on his life-giving words.

How? How does that happen? How did I get so distracted in my life?

Because I allowed other things to jump the front of the line. I told myself—after I “drive the kids to school” or “after I serve breakfast” or “after I have checked my email” each morning that I would come back later and read his word. My intentions were right, but my misplaced priorities were not.

Psalm 5:3

“In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice;

In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.”

Psalm 88:13

“But I, O Lord, have cried out to You for help,

And in the morning my prayer comes before You.”

Psalm 59:16

“But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength;

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For You have been my stronghold

And a refuge in the day of my distress.”

This morning I rose earlier with a song in my heart and on my lips—Give Me Jesus:

1 In the morning when I rise,

in the morning when I rise,

in the morning when I rise,

give me Jesus.

Refrain:

Give me Jesus,

give me Jesus;

you may have all this world;

give me Jesus.

2 Dark midnight was my cry,

dark midnight was my cry,

dark midnight was my cry,

give me Jesus. [Refrain]

3 Just about the break of day,

just about the break of day,

just about the break of day,

give me Jesus. [Refrain]

4 Oh, when I come to die,

oh, when I come to die,

oh, when I come to die,

give me Jesus. [Refrain]

I had never heard this hymn until our church music Minister introduced me to it. So simply yet compelling. So direct and focused on our relationship with Jesus.

I hope my transparency has encouraged you. We all get distracted in life. We all have times where our priorities are out of whack. If it has been a while since you sought out an intimate time with Jesus, it’s never to late. Open his word, read, and meditate on it. Seek him out as readily as you seek out media, food, and sleep.

Give me Jesus…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThan4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

30 Days of Gratitude - Day 29

The first day back to school after a long Thanksgiving break had the potential to be hard. Gratefully, the children were very cooperative and worked hard this morning.

After lunch we spent the afternoon hand washing the dishes (newly purchased dishwasher is broken!), then we decorated the house for Christmas.

The children worked on hanging all the ornaments except the few keepsakes that I reserve the right to hang. Handmade bread dough ornaments from my grandma, our snowmen made from fingerprints, and our yearly “family name” ornaments.

The rest of the room we decorated in snowmen. We don’t get much snow in Oklahoma but that doesn’t keep us from enjoying some friendly snowmen.

This year I took a tiny white tree, battered and squashed from our keepsake box. I couldn’t put it out in 2020, the owner wasn’t here to enjoy it. This year however I fluffed the branches, straightened the silver ball ornaments and the strand of lights that tiny little hands placed there two years ago. As I placed the star on the top, I remembered how much Millie loved her “twinkle twinkle little star”. This tree was given to her by a very special group of women who were known by the name 10 Strong.

The #10Strong Moms were a group of mothers whose children had fought cancer. Some lived and thrived, many did not, but each mom chose to bring joy back to the 10th floor after their child’s cancer journey ended. Every holiday these precious women would bring everything you needed to celebrate even though you were stuck in a hospital bed.

I don’t know if any of the moms will see this, but ladies I’m grateful for YOU. For the investment of time, money, and energy you put into our children. I’m also grateful for the memories you gave us in 2019 as Millie got to decorate her tree AND the memories I got to reflect on as I decorated her tree this year. You made a difference!

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#MoreThen4