Lost in my memories of my girl

 

I’ve sat before my computer tonight with plans to share another “Millie’s Voice” post with you, but I can’t.

Right now, Millie’s point of view seems so far away.

I wanted to tell you another story of her REAL LIFE, the one she loved here at home on the farm.

I wanted to remind you the little girl she was when cancer wasn’t involved.

I started looking through old posts and pictures. Somewhere along the way I got lost.

Lost in my memories of my girl.

Memories of her smile, her laughter, her playfulness.

I drowned in her blue eyes and sweet bald head.

I laughed at her silly antics with her siblings.

I was reminded how she tucked her ears in right up to the days before heaven.

My heart feels heavy, I can’t even grasp how long it has been since I held her. I’ve stopped counting and started rounding the months now.

I can’t imagine what it would be if she were here—she’s not.

I can only miss her intensely.

Forever

Until Heaven

Millie, mama loves you baby girl. Life was so sweet with you here. Even the hard, wretched, and unbearable times were wonderful because we were together.

~Because of Millie ~

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThen4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#LifeAfterLoss

##siblinggrief

I Am From

 

I am from

moving 29 times in 15 years

from

a blue Volkswagen bug and a swamp cooler in the living room window

I am from

a home that was ever dreaming of the next big project

and

always feeling loved by my mother

I am from

a fishing pond whose water held family memories of fish, bait, and peaceful calm

I am from

cold baloney, white bread in the rainbow-colored package

and large family reunions

from

my momma and my grandparents

and from

resilience and frugality

from

making do with what you have

I am from

a Jesus loving, amazing grace singing family

from

my daddy dying and major childhood back surgery kind of strength

and from

homemade jam from roadside harvested fruit

I am from the moments

of hard work, frugal living, and making hard times still seem like fun

from always dreaming big and following those dreams!

@jenniferdukeslee @compeltraining

What if and Why?

 

Today we had a really good conversation at breakfast.

I don’t remember how it started, but we ended up talking about Millie…

…again.

The question was brought up “If the doctor could have just cut the cancer out of her abdomen would she have lived?”

I explained that the cancer was in two different spots inside of her. When a cancer spreads to another area of the body it becomes ‘Stage 4’. Before fighting Neuroblastoma, I assumed stage 4 always meant terminal. I guess for us it did, but now I know that’s not always the case. We have many friends that received that diagnosis and have survived.

I went on to explain how your liver is made up of 4 quadrants. Did you know that you can have 3/4 liver removed and it will regenerate on its own? Millie unfortunately had cancer in all four quadrants of her liver. If it had only been in three, the surgeon would have removed the diseased part and allowed the healthy part to regrow.

Just like my own thought process, the next question was, “Why then didn’t they give her someone else’s liver?” That seems like such an easy fix. A liver transplant would have given her a fresh start at a healthy liver. The answer was that children with cancer are not given healthy organs, which would ultimately become diseased. Only if their cancer is gone and the treatments have destroyed their organs are they eligible for new organs.

Even though I knew that answer, I asked our doctor many times if he was sure there wasn’t some way to get her a new liver.

I wondered when the children would get around to asking those same questions.

I find that as I walk through grief, there are many stages.

Sadness

Anger

Denial

Overwhelmed and feeling lost

Analytical

Each of these stages will be walked through many times over. For children, I believe as they mature that they gain new insight each time they walk back though it. Sometimes I forget this and start to believe we have covered all the answers, yet they have a need to ask them again. They need to solidify in their minds what happened, why we can’t change it, and to answer all the ‘what if’ questions.

We seem to do that a lot in our house, but then there really are a lot of us.

I am grateful for the ones that talk and work through it with me. I often carry worry for the others who bury their grief, refusing to face it head on. As mom I have to give support and space to both. It requires so much wisdom and I often feel very inadequate in that area.

My prayer is based off of Romans 8:26 “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

“Lord, I ask that you fill me with your wisdom, help me in my weakness. Spirit, please intercede when I do not know what to pray. Do a work in our family, showing your truth to us. In your precious name Jesus, AMEN

~Because of Millie ~

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThen4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#lifeafterloss

#siblinggrief

I know you are weary mama

Dear mama, I know you are weary. {Preaching to myself}

Being a mama is hard work. {I had no idea how hard!}

Every day, every moment, someone needs you.

They need to touch you, talk to you, be with you, and breathe on you. They are busy trying to be just like you.

As little kids they clomp around the house in your shoes.

They lay across your pillow, never mind your head being there first.

They stick their fingers under the bathroom door every time you head for the toilet.

They stand silently over your body, intently willing you to wake up so they can tell you they can’t sleep.

As teens, they are most ready to talk just as your eyes grow heavy and midnight approaches.

They say you are the meanest mother they know. They declare you are ruining their life. They even announce they are running away because you don’t love them. {If only they knew how deeply you do}

They break your heart, over and over and over again.

Yes motherhood is so hard.

But one day their perspective shifts. Maybe it was when they needed your advice. It might have been when they moved out of your home. It most definitely was when their first baby arrived. At that point you became wise in their eyes. You now understood all the things they thought you never did.

On that day, they looked at you with new eyes and an admiration you haven’t seen since they were preschoolers; back when they thought you hung the moon.

Yes, on that day they rose us and called you blessed as Proverbs 31 says. The day every mom waits for.

Oh, it might not sound like the word 'blessed' rather a quick, "Thanks Mom" and a relieved smile, but there is more there than meets the eye.

Hang on mama. I know you are weary, but that day is coming in the blink of an eye—hang on.

~Because of Millie ~

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#MoreThen4

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#AGrievingMama

#LifeAfterLoss