What if and Why?

 

Today we had a really good conversation at breakfast.

I don’t remember how it started, but we ended up talking about Millie…

…again.

The question was brought up “If the doctor could have just cut the cancer out of her abdomen would she have lived?”

I explained that the cancer was in two different spots inside of her. When a cancer spreads to another area of the body it becomes ‘Stage 4’. Before fighting Neuroblastoma, I assumed stage 4 always meant terminal. I guess for us it did, but now I know that’s not always the case. We have many friends that received that diagnosis and have survived.

I went on to explain how your liver is made up of 4 quadrants. Did you know that you can have 3/4 liver removed and it will regenerate on its own? Millie unfortunately had cancer in all four quadrants of her liver. If it had only been in three, the surgeon would have removed the diseased part and allowed the healthy part to regrow.

Just like my own thought process, the next question was, “Why then didn’t they give her someone else’s liver?” That seems like such an easy fix. A liver transplant would have given her a fresh start at a healthy liver. The answer was that children with cancer are not given healthy organs, which would ultimately become diseased. Only if their cancer is gone and the treatments have destroyed their organs are they eligible for new organs.

Even though I knew that answer, I asked our doctor many times if he was sure there wasn’t some way to get her a new liver.

I wondered when the children would get around to asking those same questions.

I find that as I walk through grief, there are many stages.

Sadness

Anger

Denial

Overwhelmed and feeling lost

Analytical

Each of these stages will be walked through many times over. For children, I believe as they mature that they gain new insight each time they walk back though it. Sometimes I forget this and start to believe we have covered all the answers, yet they have a need to ask them again. They need to solidify in their minds what happened, why we can’t change it, and to answer all the ‘what if’ questions.

We seem to do that a lot in our house, but then there really are a lot of us.

I am grateful for the ones that talk and work through it with me. I often carry worry for the others who bury their grief, refusing to face it head on. As mom I have to give support and space to both. It requires so much wisdom and I often feel very inadequate in that area.

My prayer is based off of Romans 8:26 “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

“Lord, I ask that you fill me with your wisdom, help me in my weakness. Spirit, please intercede when I do not know what to pray. Do a work in our family, showing your truth to us. In your precious name Jesus, AMEN

~Because of Millie ~

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

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#Childloss

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#WhileWeAreWaiting

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#siblinggrief