Unseen Grief of a parent

 

Grieving is often thought of in terms of sadness, tears, and heartbreaking loss. It does encompass those things in ways that are deeper than anyone can imagine. There are so many words that are a part of grief yet can never come close to describing the pain. Shattered - broken - breathtaking - lost - numb - stabbing pain - empty - overwhelmed - hopeless are a few that flow out especially in the early days of grief.

There is also a process a grieving parent goes through that others never see:

Updating your income tax deductions with one less deduction the year after your child leaves.

Receiving medical bills for the deceased long after their death.

Having mail come addressed to your child in heaven.

Needing to cancel college funds, insurance policies, and bank accounts.

Even giving away the boxes of hand me down clothes, toys, and books waiting for the awaited day that will now never arrive.

Answering the many questions:

“How many children do you have?”

And “How old is your youngest?”

Or “Don’t you want more children?”

And “Are you worried that could happen again?”

Then there are the situations:

Having to see the discomfort on other’s faces when they first learn about your loss.

The triggers you battle, whether they be a sight, a smell, a memory, or a saying. In a flash, I am seeing Millie right beside me if but for a second.

As you may know, I meet most of these situations head on. I am more likely to tell you what I am thinking. I am often sharing the grief aloud, but hopefully in a positive way. In a direction that you can see how precious she was in our lives and how grateful we are for each moment.

You might still be concerned that you will say the wrong thing and bring me fresh pain. Friends, you never have to worry that you will bring something sad to my mind. Instead, please embrace the idea that I love to talk about Millie. Yes, tears might come to my eyes, but they might as easily be tears of joy as they can be ones of sorrow. Sometimes they are one in the same! I loved that little girl so fully. It brings me great joy to talk about her, just as it does to tell you about my other kids.

My feelings are NEVER hurt when someone is trying to be so cautious to not hurt my grieving heart further. I appreciate your care and concern as you reach out.

But I realize that no matter how cautious people are, no matter how kind, no matter how loving, there will always be pain involved with loss. That is just the nature of this journey. With great love and great loss, follows pain. It is okay and I accept that.

Just today we had a medical bill that arrived with Millie’s name (Amelia) listed as the parent to one of her siblings. I had to call and explain that I was the parent, that Amelia had passed away in 2020, and that her sister’s chart needed to be changed to reflect that. Who would have expected to receive a bill with Amelia listed as the guarantor? Not me, that was a surprise! It’s those little things, those little mistakes, that hit you blind sided.

I am fine this time; no tears fell today. Instead, I smiled realizing that her name continues to be said. She is remembered by our family and even by you, knowing that causes me to smile.

~Because of Millie

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #MoreThen4 #Childloss #Forever3 #WithJesus #WhileWeAreWaiting #AGrievingMama #LifeAfterLoss #siblinggrief

My Place to Reflect

This is my spot.

The place I’m most at home.

I have made this my place of rest. In it, I have my comfy blanket and a soft pillow. This recliner has held me and my babies during the good times, but also the bad.

When I sit here, I am surrounded by a fragrance of Millie. It wafts from that little monkey sitting just to my left on the shelf.

Each item is hand chosen to represent something close to my heart. “Joy” “Mama Bear”

“Healed”. Most of these things didn’t belong to Millie yet have become a needed focused reminder pointing to her life.

You see she LIVED and she lives again in heaven. The small space in the middle called death won’t be important—someday. Oh when that day arrives every sorrow will be gone. Jesus will have wiped away the tears of grief.

Some other important things that set in this sacred space are my Bible and journal that hold years of notes and promises of God. My grief books are stacked on the lower shelves waiting to minister to my heart as I work through them. On the bottom shelf is “pink blankie”, Millie’s favorite. It waits for those hard days when I take it out and cover up with it and my memories. Both remind me of holding her in this chair each night, rocking, talking, her kissing my cheeks and me rubbing her soft head. Us drifting off to sleep, just enjoying time together. That drowsy whispered, “Can I sleep in you chair?” And me always agreeing.

Yes, this is sacred ground for me.

~Because of Millie

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #MoreThen4 #Forever3 #WithJesus #AGrievingMama #Childloss #lifeafterloss

 

While We’re Waiting Bereavement Retreat

 

What a good weekend this has been.

It has been one of those highly anticipated trips that David and I have been planning for the two of us to take for a long time.

It has also been a weekend filled with tears, lots of tears, even a few gut-wrenching sobs at times.

We met some new friends with similar stories.

We met more new friends with completely different stories.

Stories of sorrow, but also redeeming stories of Christ carrying us. There were stories punctuated with heartily laughter and tears of joy. There were stories of abundant life lived and of heavenly rewards gained.

We met old friends whose stories were well known to us.

We met friends that we have known for a long time, but only in the elusive internet world.

We were welcomed at the door with hugs and warm smiles.

We were shown to comfortable rooms that felt like home.

We were offered snacks and drinks, food and fellowship, friendship and understanding.

This weekend we finally got to attend the While We’re Waiting Bereavement Retreat in Hot Springs Arkansas. It is located on the beautiful WWW Refuge, overlooking a serene pond with deer playing in the background. It truly felt like holy ground, a place you go to begin healing from the traumas inflicted when your child runs ahead to heaven.

I can’t share the other parent’s stories; those are their personal life journeys to share. I can however tell you they have each seen sorrow. They know disappointment. They have tasted the bitter defeat of handing a child back to heaven, but they also know the comfort in trusting that somehow Jesus will use these painful things to grow us and bring him glory. They KNOW their savior loves them, just as we know he loves us. They understand he cared immensely for their children, even in the face of the deepest losses we could ever imagine.

If you are a bereaved parent, you understand this fellowship. You know that no matter how hard someone tries to understand your pain that they cannot fully know the depth unless they have also lost a child. You forge these new friendships knowing that you hate that they know the feeling. You hate that you know the hurts. You never want anyone to know this pain, and yet you are grateful they get it. You feel less alone on the journey by hearing the other stories, knowing the children, hugging the parents.

And so, I want to tell you about this weekend.

We were fed many meals, but our Saturday night chef is a renowned cook who fed us a full 5 course meal and entertained us as he taught us. We tried things we would have never tried, enjoyed flavors straight out of a 5-star restaurant, yet meals no one else has ever had. This chef never repeats a menu. No matter how many times he cooks for WWW or even for others, he always writes a new menu.

During the afternoon we had time to walk the beautiful trails and the memorial walkway where many children’s names are listed in the stone pavers. We listened to the musical splashes of the water flowing through the fountains. We sat on the deck and shared our hearts. We gathered in the great room with many boxes of tissues and listened to 21 different people share their lives with us. We shared our girl. We told Millie’s story, we shared her picture, we told how smart she was, but most importantly we shared that we tell her story to point to HIS STORY.

I hope by now you know that I share my sweet Millie with you because I told the Lord that I would praise him if we won earthly healing but also if we gained heavenly healing instead. That I would tell you ‘Even if’ it felt we had lost here on earth, that I still know the truth—WE KNOW—the truth.

Millie is healed! We know that fully. And just as we know it, we were given opportunity to testify to that in front of these other hurting parents. We were not elevated among them, no, each of them knew their children were healed too. We were simply there to walk the journey side by side as a support. We were blessed and hopefully our presence blessed them also.

I left the retreat on Sunday morning refreshed, with new hope and anticipation of what God is doing in my life. Looking forward to how he will use Millie’s story, My story, ultimately His story for good.

~Because of Millie

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #Childloss #Forever3 #WithJesus #WhileWeAreWaiting #AGrievingMama #LifeAfterLoss #Whilewerewaiting #Griefretreat