Grieving is often thought of in terms of sadness, tears, and heartbreaking loss. It does encompass those things in ways that are deeper than anyone can imagine. There are so many words that are a part of grief yet can never come close to describing the pain. Shattered - broken - breathtaking - lost - numb - stabbing pain - empty - overwhelmed - hopeless are a few that flow out especially in the early days of grief.
There is also a process a grieving parent goes through that others never see:
Updating your income tax deductions with one less deduction the year after your child leaves.
Receiving medical bills for the deceased long after their death.
Having mail come addressed to your child in heaven.
Needing to cancel college funds, insurance policies, and bank accounts.
Even giving away the boxes of hand me down clothes, toys, and books waiting for the awaited day that will now never arrive.
Answering the many questions:
“How many children do you have?”
And “How old is your youngest?”
Or “Don’t you want more children?”
And “Are you worried that could happen again?”
Then there are the situations:
Having to see the discomfort on other’s faces when they first learn about your loss.
The triggers you battle, whether they be a sight, a smell, a memory, or a saying. In a flash, I am seeing Millie right beside me if but for a second.
As you may know, I meet most of these situations head on. I am more likely to tell you what I am thinking. I am often sharing the grief aloud, but hopefully in a positive way. In a direction that you can see how precious she was in our lives and how grateful we are for each moment.
You might still be concerned that you will say the wrong thing and bring me fresh pain. Friends, you never have to worry that you will bring something sad to my mind. Instead, please embrace the idea that I love to talk about Millie. Yes, tears might come to my eyes, but they might as easily be tears of joy as they can be ones of sorrow. Sometimes they are one in the same! I loved that little girl so fully. It brings me great joy to talk about her, just as it does to tell you about my other kids.
My feelings are NEVER hurt when someone is trying to be so cautious to not hurt my grieving heart further. I appreciate your care and concern as you reach out.
But I realize that no matter how cautious people are, no matter how kind, no matter how loving, there will always be pain involved with loss. That is just the nature of this journey. With great love and great loss, follows pain. It is okay and I accept that.
Just today we had a medical bill that arrived with Millie’s name (Amelia) listed as the parent to one of her siblings. I had to call and explain that I was the parent, that Amelia had passed away in 2020, and that her sister’s chart needed to be changed to reflect that. Who would have expected to receive a bill with Amelia listed as the guarantor? Not me, that was a surprise! It’s those little things, those little mistakes, that hit you blind sided.
I am fine this time; no tears fell today. Instead, I smiled realizing that her name continues to be said. She is remembered by our family and even by you, knowing that causes me to smile.
~Because of Millie
Blessings sweet friends…
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
#MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #MoreThen4 #Childloss #Forever3 #WithJesus #WhileWeAreWaiting #AGrievingMama #LifeAfterLoss #siblinggrief
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