We prayed for a miracle which God granted in heaven. Daily we walk the path of grief, ever leaning on Jesus for our comfort. Until we meet again Millie, always remember you are forever loved and missed!

Friday, October 8, 2021

𝐖𝐇𝐎 𝐈𝐒 𝐀 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑?

 



𝐖𝐇𝐎 𝐈𝐒 𝐀 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑?
Does she look different from one who is not?
…𝑵𝒐 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒇𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔.
Is her pain visible in the smile she sometimes forces behind the eyes on the verge of tears?
…𝑵𝒐 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒃𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇.
Can you see the aging her body feels from the trauma of loss?
…𝒎𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒕𝒓𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒊𝒍𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒊𝒓 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚.
She’s one who still pictures herself from before the loss and is sometimes caught off guard at the reflection looking back from the mirror.
𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫?
She’s one who ignores a baby shower or birthday invitation one day, because the pain is still too raw.
And the next, celebrates the small milestones, for she knows how precious they are.
She’s one who boxes up a lifetime of mementos in an afternoon to spare others the pain.
Yet years later still can’t dredge up the courage to go through them again.
𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫?
She’s one who holds it together in the big things and falls apart over spilled milk
...𝒐𝒓 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒓𝒚.
One who loves deeply those closest to her, but keeps her heart guarded for protection from others.
She’s one who grimaces at the first laughs after loss, but later laughs louder than most.
Who finds joy in the simple things and relishes every day moments.
𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫?
She’s one held hostage by dates on the calendar and unexpected triggers.
...𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔, 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔, 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔.
And one who will always pause for sunsets, butterflies, and sweet signs from above.
She’s one who will let go of friends unable to support her.
And one who treasures those who didn’t walk away.
𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫?
She’s one who can experience an array of emotions on any given day.
And one who wishes tears would come when numbness covers her.
She’s one who screams at God one moment and clings to him the next.
A mother who didn’t expect her faith to grow so much from the most important unanswered prayer she has ever spoken.
𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫?
𝑺𝒉𝒆’𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒚 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕.
𝑶𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅—𝒊𝒇 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚.
𝑾𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕.
𝑺𝒉𝒆’𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔.
𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫?
She is one as complicated as the grief she carries.
“Do not judge the Grieving Mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,
she IS but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but a part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”
~ Author Unknown ~
The poem is someone else’s heart… The italicized parts are my thoughts. Together they spell out part of this grief walk.
We missed THE MACK IMPACT GALA last night. Many of our cancer friends and family gathered to raise money to give these kids an experience of JOY during their fight. They honored their children that received experiences and then lost their cancer battle. Millie was one of the children honored. Our sweet little friend Leavyn from The journey of Leavyn Laine - Our Little Braveheart found her friend Millie's picture and posed beside it with a sweet smile. Another reminder that Millie may be gone, but she is not forgotten by those who she touched in this life.
Sweet friends are such a blessing as we stumble to find our way after loss. They become the epitome of 'Love God and Love People" as they minister to our broken hearts. I am so grateful to be a part of something bigger than my sadness.
Blessings sweet friends,
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Monday, October 4, 2021

Needing Wisdom and Courage

 


A ‘memory’ from 5 years ago came into my feed before the famous FB shutdown this morning.

It was just a month before Millie was born, back in 2016.
A time when my life was busy and often overwhelming…
It held promise of a bright future with no thoughts of sorrow.
~October 4, 2016~
𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒚 𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆, 𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒈𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒚, 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒍 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆? 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒔 𝒖𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈...
2:45 Am- lunches packed, breakfast made, guys out the door.
5:30 am - round 2 of lunches/ breakfast, guys off.
7:30 am - feeding SJ and little man who wake up starving. Take my PLEXUS for energy. Watching the 5 deer play beside the pond (because it is deer season). Go help put the neighbor’s cow back in the pen.
8:00 - Laundry 2-3 loads a day keeps us caught up.
8.30 - general clean up, make my breakfast, get stuck on the phone with the bank for 20 min.
9 am - Start school with a preschooler, K, 3rd, 6, & 8th grader. Keep little man busy with LOTS of glue, stickers, markers, and scissors. He makes a mess but sits quietly as he does it.
9:30 - Remember to actually eat my waiting breakfast, grading, fielding calls/texts, listen to my reader practice
11:30 -2:30 greet friends who so graciously brought lunch, served, and cleaned up for us. In addition to lots of visiting. Thank you Christie J. for your friendship, your support, and for having girls my girls ages!
2:30 - school again, nap time for some, play time for others
3:30 try to take a brief nap with one eye open while little man plays on the bed beside me.
4:00 -5:00 household chores
5:00-6:00 read and rest in my recliner.... feet are swelling!
6:00 - make dinner
7pm - serve dinner, eat, and clean up.
8 pm- kids prepare for bed
8:30 - lights out and actually getting to sleep 9:30. Up every hour with pregnancy bladder until it is time to do it all again.
~~𝘽𝙪𝙨𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙤 𝘽𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙙~~
******************************
As I look back at those days it amazes me how hard that time of my life felt, yet it was probably some of the best days ever. While I know we will still have happy days in our family, I doubt we will ever have a day that some sorrow isn’t lingering just around the corner waiting to strike. It seems to settle in like a dense fog, often when it is not expected. The surprise always seems to be the worst. Blurry eyed tears, that turn into sobbing, an aching chest, and an overwhelmed feeling.
On days I feel like we are spinning out of control, I am reminded that the children are grieving too. It occurred to me that if you lined up any 10 random people that they will all grieve differently. What I struggle with isn’t the same as what my kids do. We each have to walk this in our own way and our own time.
Little Man tried once again to get out of bed and talk about Millie tonight, but I had to send him back to bed. I’m just too spent.
He said,“𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝐈’𝐦 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦”. He means he thinks about her at bedtime and ‘cannot’ sleep.
I replied, “It’s not a problem. What a blessing you have a sister to think about”.
His response was a huge OUCH—
“𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐚 𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝. 𝐈’𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐦”.
Oh, how he can cut to the quick of my emotions without meaning to. He’s right, her dying was not a blessing. 𝙄𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙚, 𝙨𝙖𝙙, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙩 𝙝𝙪𝙧𝙩𝙨!
Navigation of grief is something I don’t enjoy. I feel like the children teach me so much each day and yet I never feel like I completely know the ‘right answer’. It can be quite discouraging to wonder if our family will be okay this side of heaven. I don’t mean spiritually (I trust scripture), or physically, but rather emotionally. Can we overcome the trauma of having one of our own ripped from our lives?
~~𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝑱𝒆𝒔𝒖𝒔 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒅𝒐𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒋𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒚~~
As I write this, I considered why I need to share so much of my heart? It might be that I am recording all this for the children to read when they are grown? Or maybe all my observations about children and grief will become a book too? Getting these feelings out do help me process the rawness of my grief. I hope maybe it helps someone else process their grief too.
Truly all I really know is today we made it through the tears and the breakdowns. Tomorrow we will do it again. We lean heavily on Jesus for strength. Every day is one day closer to a reunion in heaven. For that promise I am so thankful!
Blessings sweet friends,
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Dear Sunday,

 





Dear Sunday,

You are here again. You used to be a day I enjoyed. You used to hold such expectations of friends, fellowship, encouragement and connection. However since Millie left, you bring fatigue, disappointments, emotions and suffocation.
Sunday, you are by far the hardest day to meet each week. You should be followed by a day of rest—but one that instead is more often used as a catch up day.
It takes two cups of coffee get me in the car and headed to church. Sheer determination helps me put one foot in front of the next as I enter the building. The worship songs are beautiful and truthful and filled with peace. They are also draining. They suck the energy out of me. They fill my heart, but use so much energy in the process. The preaching reminds me of God’s unfailingly love even through the deepest valleys. It also gives me the encouragement to keep moving on the harder days. To run this race God has placed before me.
After church I crash on repeat. Week after week I come home and head to my bed for a nap and some emotional reprieve. My brain needs that moment of rest before the week starts to demand me to be fully on call. A time where our family is all moving in different directions and there are too many decisions demanding attention.
Yes Sunday you are here again and I’m not sure I’m ready to see you go at least for a few more hours. For now instead I will wake up, greet the family, pile on the couch and just BREATHE in the last few hours of your time.
Blessings sweet friends…
☆。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆ 。・:*:・゚★
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
☆。・:*:・゚ Hebrews 11:1 。・:*:・゚☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

Friday, October 1, 2021

Those Random Questions




𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬?

Do you listen to their answers with interest?
I do!
Today I asked Little Man, “So what do you think?”
He first responded about something he had just heard announced on the radio, “I think we should go mom”.
I didn’t know he was listening that closely. Next he said, “I sometimes am mad.”
“What do you do with that feeling?”
“Mom everyone gets mad sometimes. I go to my room, lay in my bed and try to let it go.”
“What are you mad about?” I asked him.
“I’m mad Millie died.” (LM)
“Are you mad at her for dying or just mad that she did?”
“I’m not mad at her, just mad she didn’t grow up. I always wanted to give her a piggyback ride but she was never ready” (LM)
I told him, “ I understand that. I am not mad she died I guess because I know everyone dies sometime. I am sad that she died so early in life”.
Then in true childhood fashion our conversation was over. He went on to tell me about a game he liked.
That is the way a child processes. Simply, randomly, and in their timing. I learn so much listening to him.