Needing Wisdom and Courage

 

A ‘memory’ from 5 years ago came into my feed before the famous FB shutdown this morning.

It was just a month before Millie was born, back in 2016.

A time when my life was busy and often overwhelming…

It held promise of a bright future with no thoughts of sorrow.

~October 4, 2016~

𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒚 𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆, 𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒈𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒚, 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒍 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆? 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒔 𝒖𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈...

2:45 Am- lunches packed, breakfast made, guys out the door.

5:30 am - round 2 of lunches/ breakfast, guys off.

7:30 am - feeding SJ and little man who wake up starving. Take my PLEXUS for energy. Watching the 5 deer play beside the pond (because it is deer season). Go help put the neighbor’s cow back in the pen.

8:00 - Laundry 2-3 loads a day keeps us caught up.

8.30 - general clean up, make my breakfast, get stuck on the phone with the bank for 20 min.

9 am - Start school with a preschooler, K, 3rd, 6, & 8th grader. Keep little man busy with LOTS of glue, stickers, markers, and scissors. He makes a mess but sits quietly as he does it.

9:30 - Remember to actually eat my waiting breakfast, grading, fielding calls/texts, listen to my reader practice

11:30 -2:30 greet friends who so graciously brought lunch, served, and cleaned up for us. In addition to lots of visiting. Thank you Christie J. for your friendship, your support, and for having girls my girls ages!

2:30 - school again, nap time for some, play time for others

3:30 try to take a brief nap with one eye open while little man plays on the bed beside me.

4:00 -5:00 household chores

5:00-6:00 read and rest in my recliner.... feet are swelling!

6:00 - make dinner

7pm - serve dinner, eat, and clean up.

8 pm- kids prepare for bed

8:30 - lights out and actually getting to sleep 9:30. Up every hour with pregnancy bladder until it is time to do it all again.

~~𝘽𝙪𝙨𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙤 𝘽𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙙~~

******************************

As I look back at those days it amazes me how hard that time of my life felt, yet it was probably some of the best days ever. While I know we will still have happy days in our family, I doubt we will ever have a day that some sorrow isn’t lingering just around the corner waiting to strike. It seems to settle in like a dense fog, often when it is not expected. The surprise always seems to be the worst. Blurry eyed tears, that turn into sobbing, an aching chest, and an overwhelmed feeling.

On days I feel like we are spinning out of control, I am reminded that the children are grieving too. It occurred to me that if you lined up any 10 random people that they will all grieve differently. What I struggle with isn’t the same as what my kids do. We each have to walk this in our own way and our own time.

Little Man tried once again to get out of bed and talk about Millie tonight, but I had to send him back to bed. I’m just too spent.

He said,“𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝐈’𝐦 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦”. He means he thinks about her at bedtime and ‘cannot’ sleep.

I replied, “It’s not a problem. What a blessing you have a sister to think about”.

His response was a huge OUCH—

“𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐚 𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝. 𝐈’𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐦”.

Oh, how he can cut to the quick of my emotions without meaning to. He’s right, her dying was not a blessing. 𝙄𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙚, 𝙨𝙖𝙙, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙩 𝙝𝙪𝙧𝙩𝙨!

Navigation of grief is something I don’t enjoy. I feel like the children teach me so much each day and yet I never feel like I completely know the ‘right answer’. It can be quite discouraging to wonder if our family will be okay this side of heaven. I don’t mean spiritually (I trust scripture), or physically, but rather emotionally. Can we overcome the trauma of having one of our own ripped from our lives?

~~𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝑱𝒆𝒔𝒖𝒔 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒅𝒐𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒋𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒚~~

As I write this, I considered why I need to share so much of my heart? It might be that I am recording all this for the children to read when they are grown? Or maybe all my observations about children and grief will become a book too? Getting these feelings out do help me process the rawness of my grief. I hope maybe it helps someone else process their grief too.

Truly all I really know is today we made it through the tears and the breakdowns. Tomorrow we will do it again. We lean heavily on Jesus for strength. Every day is one day closer to a reunion in heaven. For that promise I am so thankful!

Blessings sweet friends,

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

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