Forever Changed

 

Today was a good day, but even good days carry some sadness.

I took Little Man and SJ to the library. I can’t remember ever taking Millie to the library once she outgrew a stroller. When she was a baby we went and brought home tons of books. We are the family that carries a library card for every kid plus mom. We have been known to max out our cards and our arms. The library used to be a happy trip, just as it was today, but then it wasn’t at the same time. I walked out with a raw gaping hole in my heart—missing what I once had.

Our family life before cancer was so busy. I had 2 adult sons living at home, 2 teen girls, 2 elementary age girls, a preschool age son and a newborn baby girl, Millie.

We were on the road all the time going to Volleyball teams, gymnastic lessons, piano lessons, homeschool activities, and church meetings. I complained, yes I did! I complained how hard life was trying to keep my little people busy while the big kids ran around so much. Naps were often in the car; I breast fed the baby and changed many diapers sitting on the second roll of our van. Lunches were from a drive through window and playtime often came in the grass beside the van while we waited for the kids. Those days were so tiring!

The nights were exhausting too. Back then SJ and Little Man were sleeping in our room on a toddler bunk bed. Millie was in a bassinet beside our bed. That was the easiest way to take care of of the younger three and still get a little sleep. The middle three were thick as thieves and staying up later at night. One adult son went to work at 4am. The other got home at 2am. They passed each other coming and going each night.

Those days were so busy and tiring, those nights were too. Even so, I miss that time. I miss who we were as a family.

No, I don’t miss the workload, I actually enjoy sleeping in on Saturday mornings now. The kids get their own breakfast, and we get to rest. I’m excited for the stage my kids are in. A stage filled with independence and growth.

But days like today bring it all back. The happiness brings back the sadness. Then I am reminded of the happiness before the sadness. Then my thoughts become all mixed up--happy and sad, wistfulness and longings. What a mess grief is!

A jumbled, broken hearted mess. Oh, how I miss my sweet girl and our life togther!

~Because of Millie~

Blessings sweet friends…

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

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