My heart wants to write, but my mind feels blank lately.
I have been walking in a hard spot both emotionally, mentally, and physically that I would rather deny.
I know truth… I believe the truth… I am not struggling with spiritual doubts, yet I still struggle with the day-to-day feelings (as do most of us if we are willing to admit it).
Truth is so black and white, right or wrong.
However much of the thoughts that run though my mind are shades of grey. They are not completely ‘right’ but they are not totally ‘wrong’ either.
That’s a hard place when your feelings latch on to the half truth and make the lie seem completely believable.
I’m still going through the weekly book study “Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free”. It is so good! So truth filled!
AND it beats the snot out of me with EVERY.SINGLE.CHAPTER!
I feel like this study is speaking directly to me, yet I often still struggle to throw out the lies and hear the truth.
Grief, hormones, or depression could all the be culprit—a combination of the three or maybe none of the above. The truth is that no matter the cause, it is still hard.
Physical pain, brain fog, crying, feeling anxiety, or overwhelmed with small issues all come quickly and frequently.
Then the guilt arrives…
***If I could lose the weight, maybe I wouldn’t hurt so much which keeps me from doing things that I would enjoy with my family.
***If I could get the medical stuff under control then the anxiety, short fuse, and crying would subside.
***If I could just intentionally focus…
If…If…IF… there are too many ‘ifs’ that spiral to a feeling of despair.
Then there is still the grief from losing Millie… the tired body, sadness, lack of interest and attention span. When you spend so much brain energy processing the trauma and loss, it is physically exhausting. When you are missing a huge part of your life, it hurts!
I often bellyache and feel sorry for myself—and my family. I start telling myself I will do better through sheer will, but I fall short most every day. I write out plans, menus, calendars, and lists only to hold them in my hand as they burn me with the feeling of ‘another failure’.
The one thing that does encourage me even in this darkness is that the Bible knows we will battle this and has scripture that shows how others have walked through it. The Psalms are an excellent example of a heart in despair and crying out the Lord in the midst of the heartache.
Psalms 42:5
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.”
Psalms 13
1(To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.) How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
2How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
3Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
5But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
6I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Jesus knows and understands the turmoil we walk through even when we don’t understand it. He is our light in the darkness. He is our guide and our comfort. Though I despair, he is my salvation.
Blessings sweet friends,
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
｡･:*:I still believe in
Millie’s Miracle ｡･:*:･
☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵
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