Twenty days later

 I'm not sure I have anything profound to say today. I'm still pretty tired and heading to bed on time tonight...yay me!

As I mentioned yesterday, we have been pretty busy the last few days. One thing I realized that grief makes me more exhausted. I'm not handling the little stuff nearly as patiently as I want.

Last night as I ordered iced coffee with cream at McDonald, they told me they were all out. I asked if they had hot black coffee....'yes'....and ice?....."yes". "Okay that's what I want. Just put cream in the cup and I will pour it in when it cools." Man taking the order agrees, however window #2 could not get it right. First she hands me the hot coffee...that's good. Next a cup of ice water...nope I just want a cup of ice and cream. Then she hands me just a cup of ice.... nope I want cream in it. As she tells me "mam, we don't have cream" I start to argue "yes you do I order it here all the time. That's the only reason I came here" She gives me 'the look'... you know they one that says you are stupid and need to move along??!?? Yeah that one. As I drove away I burst into tears. Was I crying about cream? No, I was crying with all the pent up emotion of the last few weeks.

One of my less than grace filled children said 'get over it mom its not life or death'...this made me cry even harder and respond "I am allowed to cry whenever I want". That's a big thing for my <<non crier>> self to be able to say.

Grief is a funny thing. Even though we are all walking it together, we all walk it alone. We handle it differently. Some are private and don't speak much of Millie. The little children speak of her daily. Daddy and I have to carry our own grief and help all the others through it. That's a heavy load. I worry about missing something...someone. I know God's grace is sufficient and I am resting in that, but I still have worry sometimes.

It has been 20 days since I last held my sweet baby girl. It feels like a lifetime has passed, but then I realize it's still July. Time has an odd hold on me right now. Tonight's pictures are from her newborn session. Such a precious sweet baby girl. So very loved!