Grief is lonely

 Grief is....

Lonely. Seeing my kids play by themselves. Taking a picture of Little Man or SJ playing without Millie. It opens my eyes up to just how intricately she is woven throughout our family. Seeing our grandbaby come looking for Millie...hearing the teens struggle. Just this morning, one commented how much she missed her little snuggler. Me not having her to rock to sleep at night....

Today I changed my sheets on my bed. That was an accomplishment, something to think about. I’ve avoided it because it was the last unwashed item that might have her smell (besides her lovies). Millie slept with us the night before she passed. We were all three cuddled together in our bed one last time. It makes sense to have clean sheets yet I had to pause and make a choice that I was ok with it before I did it.

Each step is a step toward healing...as if you could ever heal from a piece of your heart being gone. Maybe healing isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s a step towards accepting that life will never again be what we expected.

Although we will forever miss Millie, we can not just permeate sadness forever. Our lives will have JOY again. It might be tinged with the sorrow that she’s not here to experience the happiness with us, but there will be things that bring joy. Children marrying, grand babies to be born, graduations, SALVATIONS, so much life that our family has yet to live. Our precious sweet Millie, while she took a part of my heart when she left, she is always with me in my heart. There is nowhere I go that she’s not on my mind

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This verse reminds me to TRUST in Him. Only through that trust can my heart overflow with hope again.

I feel like I might be rambling this evening. Sometimes the swirling emotions, random thoughts, and rational mind all clash to see who will be victorious in winning the moment. This is what brings the exhaustion... We are in a battle.