The Gift of JOY

I was given a great gift this week. A gift so precious and so beautiful that I cannot keep it hidden.

It is the gift of JOY!

Thursday was Millie’s heaven day and I asked that you share special memories of her life. Each one is so cherished! Recounting the way she said things that stand out in my mind so clearly that I can almost audibly hear her speaking.

The sweet memories that I had forgotten. If but for a brief moment in time, I was with my baby again.

On Friday two special gifts showed up. A beautiful floral arrangement sent by other grieving parents to to strengthen our hearts as we walk this journey none wants.

The second a hand painted watercolor of a tiny girl chasing butterflies in a field. Exactly how I imagine Millie. Although it came with no name, I have a huge sneaking suspicion that this person loved and cared for Millie since birth. I also appreciate the many cards, calls, and texts. Your love of us and Jesus shone through in the way you reached out to us this week.

This week was tough. Thank you for loving on our tattered and bleeding hearts.

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#ChildhoodCancer

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#Anotherdaycloser

Finding that 'Stuff'

 We are now halfway through our summer break at the Mount House. I am not sure where I have spent the first half of the summer, but it has not been used very efficiently. Rather we have spent way too many days in the car driving from appointment to appointment. We have lost our routine for the kids, we are eating mainly junk food, and our house is a mess. Now before my friends pipe up and argue about the house not being a mess, realize that a mess for me is an overstuffed organized chaos.

I had great goals for this summer. I planned to sort each room out, taking loads of items to the thrift store, selling the rest. I had hoped to become closer to a minimalist mom! My brain works best with peace and calm, not cluttered chaos. However, one thing I did not plan on was coming up against ‘that stuff’. You might not know what that stuff is, but I can assure you that any parent of loss has it in their home. It is:

• Toys that Millie had not quite grown into using yet.

• Books that Little Man is finished with, and I will never get to read to Millie.

• A tiny pink bike that was saved from SJ for the day Millie would ride it.

• Her little ladybug floatie that sits in the shed.

• Hair bows that we never used on her because by the time her hair was long enough, cancer had made her bald.

• All of my Kindergarten and 1st grade homeschool books that I have no one to save them for.

Right after Millie died I got rid of all the preschool supplies that I had bought for her. I gave her clothes, furniture, and car seat away to our different people. I saved the items that have meaning in my memories. I saved the things that I could use with my grandchildren like her bibs, tippy cup, highchair, and pack-n-play. But now as I find more items that I do not need to save for Millie and I have no one else coming up behind her, I am at a loss once again. The tears of grief well up in my eyes if only for a moment. It is hard to see who we are as a family without Millie in the baby spot.

I believe we base our identity on who we associate with. I often introduce myself as “David’s wife” or “a mama to 9 kids” but when your place in life changes it can leave you a little lost. Truly the only identity that does not change is my identity in Christ. Once I am a child of his, I am forever his. I may lose everything here on earth, but I cannot lose him.

𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐬, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐆𝐨𝐝. -𝐏𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝟐𝟎:𝟕

As you determine what you are trusting in… wealth, family, status, citizenship, health, or any number of other things you identify with, you need to decide if you truly trust in the only unchangeable in life.

𝐉𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐲𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫. - 𝐇𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐬 𝟏𝟑:𝟖

“𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐈, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐨𝐫𝐝, 𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞; 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐎 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐉𝐚𝐜𝐨𝐛, 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐝.” -𝐌𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢 𝟑:𝟔

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#ChildhoodCancer

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#Anotherdaycloser

The Last Day of the First Year

Today is the last day of the year. Not the last day of the physical year 2021, but the last day of the first year without Millie. Day 364 without her. Both a lifetime and a breath.

David took off this week so we could be together. We have made sure to stay busy with projects both at home and in our church building. We have both worked to the point of sore joints and exhaustion. It’s good for the hands and mind to stay busy.

We had lunch, shopped, and dreamed together for our anniversary. One of Millie’s long time prayer partners came to Oklahoma...and to our home to visit. I so enjoyed getting to hug her neck. She painted us a beautiful Angel painting to remind us of Millie. We went to Millie’s grave and placed fresh flowers on it as we talked about our sweet girl’s life. Thank you Cari and Randy!

Wednesday, July 7 has arrived... the day we were warned would be one of the hardest as we anticipate tomorrow arriving. Already sleep has alluded me early into this day. On this day a year ago, I brushed Millie’s teeth for the last time. I carried her to bed...my bed to snuggle with me. I had talked her into resting on the couch that day. I did many “lasts” as we held our breath wondering...’when’?

Today will be another full day, starting with an early morning ortho appointment for a braces repair. David has a list of things calling his name around our house too.

I have seen many miracles arrive this last year and I still believe in God’s faithfulness. I am still watching for today’s to arrive.

Missing Millie ~ Forever and Always.

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#ChildhoodCancer

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#Anotherdaycloser

After 31 Years

Happy Anniversary to the guy who chose me to be his bride so very long ago...

so very long ago.

Thirty-one years has gone in a breath. Sometimes I still feel like a teen until my bones start to creak and I see that grey streak in my hair. You, on the other hand, become more distinguished with each passing year and your ever greying beard.

As handsome as you are, what thrills my heart is to have watched the man you have grown to be. First, that you love Jesus. You are faithful and devoted. You love your children and grandchildren. You are a super hard worker and a blessing to all who meet you.

Your love language is acts of service and you love others by serving them. Thank you!

I love you David! I am glad you are mine

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#ChildhoodCancer

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#Anotherdaycloser

Oil of Joy and Beauty for the Ashes of Death

 I have debated writing much the next few days. It seems like I am repeating myself often and maybe people are getting tired of hearing me share about how life was—before cancer attacked our family. Maybe telling how life was during cancer is too much for the faint of heart. Maybe sharing how grief is—after cancer, gets old as it swirls around and often returns for another blow. Maybe, just maybe, people think life should be moving on by now? Or maybe the truth is that my many struggles resonate with others and the things they walk through in their life?

By nature, I am a complainer. There you have it— a self-confessed complainer that often forgets to look for the good in life. My personality is very black and white. I see the bad and I see the good, but the grey is something I think I might be colorblind too. I have always said it “like it is”, often at the expense of other people’s feelings. On the Enneagram I come in as a solid # 1. My decisions and life direction seems to be rooted in wanting to do the ‘right thing’, whatever that may be. That is not to say that my right thing might look like others, just to acknowledge that if my heart felt it was right then I tried to pattern my life after it.

As a younger woman that led me to want to be perfect. You know unflawed…to be a dynamic and on fire Christian with an awesome prayer life and able to serve the Lord freely. I wanted to be a wife that was loving, supportive, and intuitive. I wanted to be a well-balanced mother; one who knew how to weigh out training our children to be respectable citizens but holding their hearts. A homeschool mom who focused on the most important subjects. A friend that had sound advice yet could point you to righteousness. The pressure was intense and needless to say, I failed—miserably! As a dear friend of mine pointed out, if I were perfect then I would have no need of Jesus. What could he save me from if I had it all together?

So back to the complaining, if you are trying to be perfect and it doesn’t work out… you will probably complain. If you expect your marriage to be perfect but your spouse is a sinner just like you, you will probably complain. When you have precious little blessings that act in the most unlikely ways, ones that often embarrass the snot out of a mama, you will likely complain. So… I complained! I fussed that we were too busy, the baby kept us up all night, the laundry pile was never ending. I griped that my hubby worked too many hours, my children were disobedient, and life was hard. If I had slowed down long enough to see the opposite side of that coin, the blessings would shine through.

We had lives filled with friends, fellowship, and fun. Our sweet baby loved to be rocked while cuddled close to mama late at night when the house was quiet, and mama was still. The laundry and dishes were evidence that our home was filled with people we loved. My hard-working hubby enjoys providing for his family and doing an excellent job while he does it. My children were needing more time with mom, their actions often a way to gain attention. Life was hard, not bad, but hard. Many times, in my life there have been hard times, however June 20, 2019, ranks as one of the top hardest dates to me. That was the day I heard, “I’m sorry it looks like Amelia (Millie) has cancer.” Life got HARDER!

A cancer diagnosis brings so much unknown. Questions about long term survival, prognosis, and treatments all rush your mind. Information on daily care, medicines, and side effects are constantly changing and updating. Emotions add a whole other layer to the confusion. As I walked through this new hard, all the previous hard things seemed so easy. Not to write them off, everyone has hard stuff they deal with, but rather to acknowledge that now I had to decide what I would do when faced with the really hard, life altering hard stuff. Would I choose JOY or a life of bitterness? If I chose JOY, how would I find it? What would be the deciding factor to direct my path? First, God’s word is always right, so if I am to choose Joy, then I have to follow scripture. Second, there is one key thing that brings us to a place of having joy in our hearts. That key is GRATITUDE. Without a thankful heart, I am simply a complainer.

Gratitude sparks JOY even in the hard. Joy will never come first. Until I was grateful for things, even the hard wretched things in life, I could not find true joy. Am I thankful that Millie died…is that what I am saying?!? NO WAY! Instead, I am saying that even in the horrible pain of her death, there has been great things coming out of it. New believers in Christ, marriages restored, mamas cherishing their children more, greater dependence on Jesus—so much good coming out of the ashes of her death.

Isaiah 61:3

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

This verse is so full… the prayer so encompassing:

“God please take away the ashes of this loss and restore it with a crown of beauty. Fill me with the oil of JOY again, replacing my mourning. Dress me in a garment of praise for all to see, removing my despair. Call me a mighty oak of your righteousness. Plant me where you would have me grow. Let the display of splendor in my life be a direct refection of your grace. Help me to count it all JOY and give thanks in all things. AMEN”.

....by the way, the older I get the more I see grey as a valid color. I even like it enough to paint my bedroom in it last fall.

Blessings sweet friends…

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I still believe in Millie’s Miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵

#MilliesMiracle

#Forever3

#WithJesus

#Neuroblastoma

#Childloss

#ChildhoodCancer

#WhileWeAreWaiting

#Anotherdaycloser