Twenty days later

 I'm not sure I have anything profound to say today. I'm still pretty tired and heading to bed on time tonight...yay me!

As I mentioned yesterday, we have been pretty busy the last few days. One thing I realized that grief makes me more exhausted. I'm not handling the little stuff nearly as patiently as I want.

Last night as I ordered iced coffee with cream at McDonald, they told me they were all out. I asked if they had hot black coffee....'yes'....and ice?....."yes". "Okay that's what I want. Just put cream in the cup and I will pour it in when it cools." Man taking the order agrees, however window #2 could not get it right. First she hands me the hot coffee...that's good. Next a cup of ice water...nope I just want a cup of ice and cream. Then she hands me just a cup of ice.... nope I want cream in it. As she tells me "mam, we don't have cream" I start to argue "yes you do I order it here all the time. That's the only reason I came here" She gives me 'the look'... you know they one that says you are stupid and need to move along??!?? Yeah that one. As I drove away I burst into tears. Was I crying about cream? No, I was crying with all the pent up emotion of the last few weeks.

One of my less than grace filled children said 'get over it mom its not life or death'...this made me cry even harder and respond "I am allowed to cry whenever I want". That's a big thing for my <<non crier>> self to be able to say.

Grief is a funny thing. Even though we are all walking it together, we all walk it alone. We handle it differently. Some are private and don't speak much of Millie. The little children speak of her daily. Daddy and I have to carry our own grief and help all the others through it. That's a heavy load. I worry about missing something...someone. I know God's grace is sufficient and I am resting in that, but I still have worry sometimes.

It has been 20 days since I last held my sweet baby girl. It feels like a lifetime has passed, but then I realize it's still July. Time has an odd hold on me right now. Tonight's pictures are from her newborn session. Such a precious sweet baby girl. So very loved!

Happier Days

 Happier days.... These pictures represent a time in our lives when we were ‘normal’. Between 18 months and 2 Millie was such a happy little girl.

Today was a productive day for the most part. We ran lots of errands, had our house cleaned as a gift to us, and finished it off with school clothes shopping. We are stepping outside of our ever expanding comfort zone and allowing Miss M and Miss A to attend a private Christian school this year. I still plan to homeschool the rest of the children. So many changes in such a short time.

I also spent the afternoon taking pictures of “to sale” stuff. It’s amazing how much stuff we own that we need pass on. I plan to start listing it tomorrow.

It’s 12:45 and I’m exhausted tonight. Thanks for checking in on us. Off to bed, better late than never

Praises:

We completed the school shopping today thanks to a sweet friend who offered to guide us about the dress code. Relief!

Prayers:

Pray friend Ady’s bone marrow aspirate is % cancer free as the results come back soon!

Sleeping at last

 It’s a good Sunday....

For the first time since Millie left us I have slept all night, tear free, and not hurting physically. My body was so inflamed the last two weeks. The steroids really have helped to settle the inflammation down. I have been taking many natural supplements to help but nothing was working.

Saturday we were able to pass some of Millie’s things to our precious grand baby. Little miss is ready for size 3’s and that’s what Millie was wearing this summer. I did keep the ones that held memories of special events or favorites. Of course I kept her Millie shirts. I kept some little socks, her sweet hats, and her bows. I’m still not sure if I want a quilt or to make a memory bear.

We plan to get a shelf to place her stuff on. Her boots, blankets, bear, monkey, and pictures. There are other things that were at her service that we will mix in. It will be a work in progress, but I’ll show you all whenever we get it together.

We also pulled out all our “baby” stuff to sell or give away. With Millie being close to 4 years old and no more babies showing up around here, it’s time to clean stuff out. After having a baby in the house for the last 29 years, this is a big adjustment.

As school starts back up soon we also set up our new homeschool area. It’s another thing we have done forever... This is our 26th year! I have lots of curriculum to get organized and sold. I feel like there are so many areas in life that got away from us this last years. In a family our size you can’t let stuff stack up too long or you will be over run with stuff.

Blessings friends. Thanks for all your prayers

Peace and Let's Eat!

 Monkey, bear, baby, Millie and mommy shared this sweet party. We ate {{pretend}} sandwiches, fruit, and cake. We refilled our cardboard tea ☕️ cups numerous times. Millie led the prayer before we ate. I’m not sure what her prayer was, except the cute laugh and the “let’s eat!”

It’s been a pretty rough day on the 10th floor. Our sweet doctors, nurses, social worker, and child life friends have each watched us fall apart at different times today. For the first time I got to look at the scans we took last week. Millie’s liver tumors have grown large rapidly. It’s no wonder her belly hurt so much. After looking at the scans, my belly hurt. It made me want to throw up honestly.

Our doctor sat down with us today and discussed what can be done. He plans to start the ICE chemo. This is our hope that this chemo she has not had before will shrink this tumor. If we get enough response we could repeat it a second time and then go to the MIBG therapy in Texas. If not, there is very little hope of a cure. We NEED Millie’s Miracle to happen soon. Please PRAY for a dramatic change in the tumor size. 💖

✝️We are not ruling out any treatments suggestions. We are so grateful for any ideas you send to us. We have the biggest vested interest in our girl. We WANT her healed, but our hearts are fragile. Above all BE KIND✝️

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see.

Our Faith is not weak. We have assurance that God is GOOD. We have a certainty that he can HEAL. We know he can do a Miracle.

Matt 18:20
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."

Join us...pray...gather. Our 17 yr old wrote this.

my younger 3 year old sister Millie who is battling cancer is almost out of treatment options for her cancer & she needs major prayer right now. she has one option left & after that there’s no more options so please join together with me, my family, & others in praying for her. tomorrow (tuesday, the 9th of june) at 9:00am i’m asking any & everyone who will to please stop what they are doing & pray for our sweet millie. she needs major prayers right now & a big miracle to save her life. thank you to everyone for the prayers! please share this with everyone you know. ❤️

The children’s hearts are fragile, broken. Little man said “momma I don’t want Millie to die”. I could only say “I know she’s your best friend. I don’t want her to die either.” That’s a sober conversation to share with your 6 yr old.

Praises:
💕Her belly is feeling better. The treatment for Cdiff is helping.

Prayers:
🔹Pray this chemo KILLS this tumor.

Psalms: 18-2

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

LORD WE BEG YOU DELIVER MILLIE from this enemy.

Cancer Survivor Day 2020

 

Look who is smiling today!

Daddy had big news for us this morning. Millie’s doctors have figured out what bacteria is making her so sick in addition to the cancer. Praise the Lord! They have a treatment plan, her white blood counts are trending down. There is HOPE that her belly pain will subside some. Millie has not complained much today, only needing Tylenol once so far today.

Grandma brought Millie her beloved fries and ‘coffee’ to the hospital. They allowed her to hand the goodies off to daddy who got to surprise sweet Millie with the treats.

Our church had a prayer service today for Millie. Our specific requests are located in the pictures. Please join us in praying for Millie’s Miracle.

Today is also Cancer Survivor Day. Pray that Millie will join into this group of fighters.

A Millie Parade

 Through the eyes of innocence...

We are watching News 9 (carefully with kids around). Miss Millie saw the protesters for BLM carrying signs through the streets. Her response “Look it’s my Millie parade!”

What a blessing that a child can look and only see good. 💖

Kid funnies

Little Man showed up to sleep with us about 2 am this morning. After letting him stay for awhile, I asked Daddy to carry him back to bed. I hear David lift our sleeping boy and start out of the room. Then I hear little man say “guess it would be easier if I would just walk back to bed dad”. 
He’s growing up too fast! Every time he shows up in the night I’m reminded it is close to the last time. My big guys gave it up about this age.(Little Man 5 yr, 11 months)

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Overheard from Little Man’s play 

“They’ve reached their full potential and they are just kids”.

“What does that mean?”I asked

“It means they have learned stuff to do the biggest things and save the world.”

Kids are so fun!

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I’m laughing at my sweet SJ. I asked her “Are you going out to play in the snow?” 

“Um... it looks pretty cold mom”.
So no, she didn't.  She sat on the couch in jammies watching Little Man play in the snow. 
Snowstorm 2020

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Little man keeps asking for sweet tea. 

My reply “drink ice water. They are saying drink lots of water”.

”mom I don’t have Coronavirus”🙃

Even our 6 yr olds are hearing it...

(March 12, 2020)