~Feelings and Emotions~
There are so many opportunities in life to commit to. I get so excited for the prospect of getting involved, forging relationships, being intentional, and making a difference. I also know my limitations, both physical but especially emotionally. I run out of energy fast. As soon as I am exhausted, out comes the tears. It’s so much harder to modulate my feelings when I am tired.
Many people believe that feelings should be freely shared. While feelings are indicators of truth, but they can also deceive you at the same time. We shouldn’t let them run unchecked or they will run us. Think back to every childhood princess movie that teaches us to “Follow your heart!” Scripture teaches us that “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9.
If allowed, our heart will lead us astray. It will cause us to justify actions that we know are wrong. It will make us believe that sin is okay as long as it doesn’t hurt others—but it always does.
When I am tired it is easy to battle feelings of being overwhelmed, unloved, or even easily angered. I have to take time to rest and renew myself. I have to dive into God’s word. I have to seek scriptural truth and then cling to it. I don’t have to understand it all, but I do have to trust that God does know every detail.
When I am discouraged or fearful, I have to remember that time and time again Jesus has proved faithful and trustworthy to us, even in our darkest hour. He was our comforter and sustainer every single day of Millie’s illness. Each day since, he continues to bring us comfort. He walks beside us bearing the burden of pain and loss. Only he can mend our aching heart. The scars are always present but he can make them into a beautiful testimony of himself. Only he can make all things new. As we move towards that point, we also have to guide our children there. It has been said that children are resilient and they are, but they also get easily confused about reality and make believe.
Little Man came into my room late telling me he couldn’t sleep because he was thinking about Millie. I got the chance to rock him as we talked and remembered. He told me, “Millie only lived 3 years mom. This year on her birthday she would be 5. Do you think her bones will still grow in her grave even though she died?” Always we come back to how much does he truly understand about death? He understands the pain first hand. He understands and trusts that her spirit is in heaven, but he still wrestles with the physical part of dying. We talked about how she no longer needed that body, that Jesus would give her a new one someday. We discussed what spirits look like and whether they resembled the body they came from. His take on it was ‘yes they do, they are just perfect with no scars’.
He asked if her medical Broviac was left on her body when she died. He also assured me she didn’t need it in heaven. He asked why the doctors don’t reuse them for other patients—that led us to talking about one use medical supplies like needles and bandaids.
We finished with dreaming what your spirit could do in heaven.
Be a bull rider? We just went to a rodeo.
Tame lions? There would be no fear.
We decided that while you could do those things, the thrill was probably lost because we don’t think you could get hurt in heaven.
All these late night conversations are so important to normalizing death. They help him to think about concrete things and remember that his sister LIVES, just not here. They give him a picture of what is to come someday. They thrill his heart when he considers what will be the first thing he will say to her in heaven. He said, “I don’t think I will say anything. I will just give her a huge hug”. I told him she would say, “Hello Woofie! and then be ready to play dogs with him”. The smile on his face was priceless.
Blessings sweet friends…
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
I still believe in Millie’s Miracle
｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
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