Each night I try so hard to speak from the heart. I want to share TRUTH in an easy, relatable way. I want to share how the Lord is teaching me as I walk this path of grief. I want to be open, honest, sometimes raw, and always transparent. As I have said before, I want my transparency to point back to Jesus in my life.
What I do not want to do is cause anyone to think I have it all together. I stumble along this path of life just like anyone else. I come to the boulders of pride and anger as readily as the next traveler. I fight the beast of self and battle the temptations laid in the pathway by the deceiver. I struggle to keep my balance, slide in the mud, fall, and get stuck in the quicksand just as other travelers have. What I have found though is along this path there are sign that point the right direction. There are steppingstones through the low spots that keep us safe. There are fences on the sides of the path that protect us if we stay within there boundaries. There is ONE waiting to hear me call out “Help, I can’t do this on my own”. There is HOPE. There is a Savior who will meet me where I am, whenever I need him. There is Jesus.
Today my path was hard. It was uphill and the battle was not for the faint of heart. Flesh came calling, tempers flared, hearts hurt. You see ever since I was a small girl, I have struggled with wanting to control my situations. As a child, my parents divorced long before I can remember. Each remarried, some relationships were good, others not so much. My momma was my constant. I knew without a doubt she loved me and would take care of me. No matter what life took us through, we did it together and we had fun. We had to move often, living in 29 homes by my 15thbirthday. My momma was often the sole income provider for our home and often finances were tight. Things were uncertain in life…
My need to control my surroundings also translates into a stress when I can’t control things. My stress often shows up in anger. There is nothing pretty to say about anger. God knew this was an area I needed to work on when he sent me 9 children. Anyone with children knows how difficult it is to control their thoughts, beliefs, and actions. When you least expect or desire it, they are reminding you they are their own person.
Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 17:27 Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
One of the hardest parts of losing control of my attitude is having to go back and be humble. To ask for forgiveness for getting mad and often yelling. Although lately my grief stops me from yelling and makes me cry instead. That is humbling. You see I have never wanted to cry in front of others. I have no desire to show that lack of self-control, even though it is a good, cleansing release to cry.
Isaiah 25:8a He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces…
Revelations 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
As this day progressed, the tears continued to well up in my eyes. As I drove down a familiar highway today, my van almost exited as if on its own. For a brief flash of time I was headed to the hospital to see my girl. Then I gained my senses and drove past the exit onto my life now…. The life where we all gathered tonight for a birthday dinner celebrating Joe. The life where we sat around that table and acted like life wasn’t forever changed. The life where she isn’t with us. Please don’t misunderstand, there was great joy around that table. We enjoyed every moment of our guy, his family, and our other kids, but for this momma’s heart there will always be the slight fragrance of sadness that lightly mists our lives. The rest of the family went onto an Escape Room to continue the celebration. I brought Little Man and SJ home to cuddle on the couch and read our book together. As I sow into my little children each day, I hold to the truth in Psalms 126:5 – “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”
My prayer tonight is one of asking Jesus to be my guide. To forgive me when my flesh gets in the way, when my attitude stinks, when my heart is angry. Help me to walk in your ways LORD.
Galatians 5:16 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
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